To Stop. And Get Naked.

I've been living alone for two months now. Before this, I was living with family or roommates, and at one point in Europe--my boss. Sounds weird, but we were like a big "family". When you live with people, you uphold to certain rules. You try not to walk around naked, you shut the door to the bathroom, you don't eat your dinner right out of the pan because you don't want to dirty a dish, you try and pick up your shoes from cluttering the front room.

When you live alone, it's a quiet introspection to the things you tend to do and what it means. I tend to walk around naked a bit more, if even just dashing to one room to the other to get clean clothes. I don't do the naked thing often, because I'm not really happy being naked. I start criticizing. I think we all do that.

Funny thing is that I am friends with A LOT of hippies. And they like to hang out naked. When they go camping, they find a secluded spot and get naked. When we go hiking to a lake, they all take their clothes off and hop in the lake to go swimming. I NEVER do this. I don't get naked around others. I think I want to. Just to see what it feels like. Other cultures grow up in such close quarters that families are very used to seeing each other naked. My friends from Finland--because it's so cold there--say that they grow up seeing their friends (male and female) naked all the time in the daily trips to the saunas. When I saw people naked and topless on the beaches of Europe, I would say that 3% of them ACTUALLY had what we might call "perfect" bodies. Many of them had tummys and thighs and saggy breasts and they didn't care. Heck, I don't really care when I see it either. It's the body. Why be so programed for perfection.

So, I have a goal this year. Somehow. I want to go skinny dipping somewhere and with someone. It might have to be in the dark this year, but I want to do it.

Have you had experiences being naked in a group setting?

May I Be Frank?

May I Be Frank documents the transformation of Frank Ferrante’s life. Frank
is 54 years old, obese, depressed and addicted. He stumbles into a local
raw, organic and vegan restaurant in San Francisco, Café Gratitude.  When
Ryland, a server at Café Gratitude asks Frank “What is one thing you want to
do before you die?” Frank replies, “I want to fall in love one more time,
but no one will love me looking the way I do”.

Ryland, his brother Cary, and Conor, his best friend, are inspired by the
possibility of helping Frank.  For the next 42 days, Frank will eat only raw
food, practice gratitude, visit local holistic practitioners, and get a
weekly colonic.  Ryland, Conor, and Cary get to support Frank’s miraculous
transformation.  Frank gets a new body, a clearer mind, and most
importantly, a soaring spirit.  May I Be Frank documents the essence of the
human condition and what it truly means to fall in love again.

The Big Event

One week ago my little sister got married. It was a wedding that was beautiful beyond belief. Everything turned out perfectly. We had the perfect venue, food, lights, flowers, happiness...everything. The one hard thing that was difficult for me was the fact that I had not lost the weight I anticipated that I would lose.

When she was engaged last December, I did a mental calculation of the amount of weight I could healthily lose and the awesome dress I could potentially fit into. I bought the dress, made some goals, and was on my way. I have, as many of you perhaps, done this a lot! I plan my life according to how much weight I could lose, if I would really stick to it, by a certain event--that event could be a wedding, summer time, the new school year, Christmas, a party, and on and on.

It was hard for me to realize that I only accomplished a small fraction of what I set out to do. And, yet, it left me deflated that, yet again, I wasn't where I wanted to be. Two weeks before the wedding I started to just not eat so I could lose weight, but then I would be emotionally drained and I would go to bingeing. It was a bad cycle that I got pulled into and wasn't sure how to pull myself out of. I logically know that this is not productive, but sometimes--where food is concerned--the logical brain loses to the emotional brain.

On top of that, it was hard to have to try and find a dress, four days before the wedding, that would actually fit me because the one I bought would not. It was hard, as the Maid of Honor, to have everyone take so many photos of the two of us and to realize that I didn't want to see or own any of those photos because of how I looked. I felt pretty ugly and bad most of the day (partly because I got these horrific bangs cut, too, that just didn't look so great--but that's another story). I felt like a bad version of myself on a day that should be pretty darn important.

That was a big event and I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a certain way.

It was nice, today, to have the realization that I have no major event coming up, nothing to try and starve myself for, nothing to rush or stress about. I have each day to get up and try and do my best. Each day to take one day at a time and see those days add up eventually. I have time. I can be gentle and patient with myself and that's exactly what each of us needs to be, isn't it?

How are you gentle and patient with yourself when you wish you were accomplishing things faster than you are?

Completely Amazed

(Totally random photo that came up when I searched for an image with "thought clouds above head"--sometimes I think this is what some of my thoughts look like.)

It's been awhile since I've REALLY written what is going on. It's still a battle. Some days are easier, and some days, like today, are a lot harder.

Do you know what is funny? I feel like I have so many different forms of advice that I have heard over the years, and I find myself still trying to incorporate all of them in various ways.

Think positively!

Think thin thoughts!

Will power!

Just don't eat that chocolate!

Be strong!

Why, oh why do you actually WANT a second helping of food when you know that it is not good for you?

Get a hobby!

Take a walk every time you want to overeat!

Comfort yourself in other ways!

Get up early and have a good start to your day!

Eat a healthy breakfast.

Carbs are bad!!!!

Carbs are good!

Certain carbs are bad and certain carbs are good!!!!!!

Is this a good carb?

I don't really like meat.

Meat is a healthy protein.

Pork causes parasites!

Eat every two hours!

Only eat three meals a day!

Eat grains in the morning!

Only eat protein in the morning!

Don't drink with your meals!

You should exercise longer!!

You should be gentle with yourself.

Be harder on yourself and get more done!

And on, and on, and on.

Is anyone else like this? I have found, this week, that I haven't made big changes to anything. I am eating relatively healthy. Yesterday, Easter, I was a little homesick and probably ate more food and chocolate than my body really needed--but mostly, I've been going about like normal and just being in a STATE of COMPLETE amazement at just how many, how often, and how annoying all these thoughts are. How did they get in my head? Is it because I have read too many health magazines, blogs, books, and listened to too many tv shows, gurus, and the like?

I keep feeling, somehow, deep inside, that I instinctively know what is right for me--and I'm still chopping away at all the other things I've allowed to take up space in my thoughts. I am, I think, on a journey to find that inner voice and learn how to listen to it.

What about you?

Inspiration

A man--handsome, strong, fit, determined--rides his bike past me each day. The first time I saw him, I did a double take...something didn't seem right. I wasn't sure if I had seen him correctly. This man has one arm. He rides faster than many of the bikers on the trail. He works hard. His balance looks more graceful than you can imagine--his bike sways farther to the left and right than if he had both arms to balance him out. He rides past me and I watch him for a minute or two before he is out of sight. He helps me put things into perspective. He creates motivation and inspiration in my life--those things, being motivated and inspired, are higher energy feelings. They make all of our atoms and cells ring at a higher frequency. They, in fact, create strength within us. I thank him for his grace and dedication.

I heard a story the other day about an event that took place at the Special Olympics. Nine children, many with Down's Syndrome, were starting off on a race around the track. The gun went off and the kids began running. One young boy tripped and fell. He didn't get up. A small girl, running her race, realized that the boy was not running. She stopped and went back to him. Soon, all the runners had seen what she saw. They stopped and returned to him as well. Then, the small girl helped up the fallen boy and linked arms with him. The rest of the kids linked arms too, until all nine of the runners had linked arms and ran across the finish line together.

No ego. No first place. No winners. No losers.

I think about this story because, more often than not, this world values ego. We place value on the thinnest model, the richest banker, the highest paid actor. Why? When we just let go, when we get quiet, when we look inside ourselves--I think we gain a level of awareness that helps us not only know how to care for ourselves, but also, instinctively, how to motivate and inspire others right along with us, so we all cross the finish line together.

Thank you all for the inspiration and love I feel from each of you. You have been supporting me during my ups and downs and I am incredibly grateful for it. Today was a day of perfect eating, perfect exercising, perfect work, and no battles in my head. It was nice to have a down day.

Update

The pants I am wearing now are simply too big. They are falling off. It's time to downsize. I knew this would happen, but I kind of forgot that was the goal too. Sounds weird, I know. I've been trying to just be the best I can each day--that, well, I sort of forgot all that effort would add up to weeks and results.

I'm not sure how much I weigh or how much I've lost. I don't really feel that different and it's been slow going. But the reality is that the pants that I couldn't quite get done up last month, the pants that are a size smaller than I've been wearing for the past two years, well, these are the pants that now fit.

The others--I'm giving away.

It is Safe

I went for another long walk yesterday and had a lot of time to think. Sometimes I try to release thoughts and reach a peaceful zen and other times I like to process through things and come to conclusions that are working for me.

I've realized something this week. Eating is safe. Eating the right amount of food for my body is safe. The word "safe" probably comes to you as being out of place, but I'm using it very intentionally. I never realized how many of my thoughts fight against food at every moment. White bread is bad for me, I shouldn't be eating this chocolate, I probably am going to gain weight from these potatoes and gravy, I can't believe I just put honey in my tea--hello blood sugar increase...maybe I shouldn't eat this fruit, cheese goes right to my thighs....and on and on and on. I have gotten SO used to constantly thinking these thoughts that they were more of a humming in my brain than something I was thinking consciously. Do you have similar thoughts that make you feel bad when you eat something, but you eat it anyway and then feel guilt on top of feeling bad?

I eat many meals with my sweet boss. As as I'm trying to be healthy, my initial route would be to avoid certain foods and stick to strict outlines of what is GOOD for me. I've tried this and failed for YEARS. She says that this just doesn't work. She said to just focus on eating normal amounts of food for now. When we eat together, she explains what's in each dish she makes and then she always says, "It can't hurt you, honey." Sometimes I like to believe that I'm pretty tough, that I have things pretty figured out and that I'm above simple phrases like that actually making a difference in my day. But EVERY time she says it, I believe it and I feel fine eating these foods. I don't feel the guilt and the shame and the fear and all the other things that I believed caused me to hold on to extra weight because I believe that it WOULD bring on extra weight.

I've been an advocate of "thoughts become things" for a long time, I've manifested lots of amazing things in my life--but never with my body or with food. So to start to believe that eating food is a "safe" thing and that it can't "hurt" me is actually pretty revolutionary and I can feel its affects on my body already.

It is safe. It really is.

Guest Post-Rock Your Body!!

Dear Stella,

I wanted to share something with you. It’s a letter to a man who was not attracted to my body GASP! My own personal nightmare, right???? But it is this sort of friction that brings revelation and healing. Your post about loving your body is exactly what this letter is all about…you may post parts of it if you think it will help you or anyone else who reads…It is very personal, but ah! What is life if not sharing our personal moments to create movement?

Readers--I just had to post the whole thing. It's from one of the strongest, most beautiful and talented women I am privileged to know.

Dear Love,

Today I took a bath. I used that fizzy bath bomb my mom sent me for Christmas and I cried the kind of tears that shake the soul. I contemplated the imperfections of my body, the soft hills and sharp angles and I wondered why God would make me go through this earthlife with such a flawed, wreck of a vessel. And just when I thought the pain would overtake me, an analogy came to my heart.

I am a burn victim, but I’ve been on fire from the inside out, like a microwave from a very young age. When I was a little girl, I was sexually abused. I didn’t even remember it until I was much older, but it affected many aspects of my development both emotionally and physically. I abused my own body in my attempts to anesthetize and make sense of a seemingly fractured world. I separated myself from my body – it was a ‘thing’ that I could blame for everything. That way, I kept my spirit safe. But you and I know that we are meant to be whole. The purpose of this entire earth life is to have a spirit and a body together…working together.

God needs me whole so I can do his work. And so I’ve been running into the fire, pulling myself out one charred limb at a time. An arm here, a calf there, and eventually the piece that would put it all back together again; my heart. The Savior has been my surgeon and like other burn victims, the reconstruction doesn’t happen in one fell swoop. It is a process…the greatest process of my life. But it has left me bruised, swollen, lumpy, soft in places that the world tells me I shouldn’t be.

The thing is, I’m proud of this body. I’m proud of my strong shoulders, my muscular calves that have walked through fires, and borne me up with I didn’t have any other strength. I’m proud of my cracking, bungled, arthritic knees that so quickly bend to worship my Savior and my soft belly- a monument to my willingness to change, forgive, stay soft though life has not always been easy or kind. My body is a work in progress and it is certainly not perfect by any standard, but this is why I love it. And this is why loving me means loving all of me. Because I am not separate from my body. Without this particular vessel, I would not be the woman I am. It was a gift from a loving and merciful father who teaches us in the ways that are most meaningful to each of us as individuals.

This part is important: In sharing these thoughts, I do not seek any particular outcome. You are under no obligation to see my body the way I do. We didn’t even know of each other’s existence when this plan was set into motion and you are not responsible for reconciling the consequences of my years of self-abuse. I can not and do not expect that of you. What I do hope is that you can understand how I can love myself as I am and why I must be careful in my desire to please someone else where my body is concerned. I do want to be and fully intend to get as healthy and as strong as I can. And I will continue to work hard, but there will always be ‘scars’ from my battle.

In the end, the initial revelation that I received when we first talked about the lack of attraction still stands, “don’t worry about it’ seems to patiently flood my veins in moments when it all seems too overwhelming to bear. The admonition is a mantra borne of my deep and abiding faith in the healing power of Jesus Christ. I will have peace because ultimately He paid the price for it and through repentance (and I consider my process toward a healthy, strong body and away from self-abuse to be a repentance process of sorts) I am made whole. I am connected to that great power which makes me full of love for myself including my body and by extension you and the rest of the world.

I am so grateful that you are the man that you are and I hope that in the span of our relationship, I can recognize the fissures and pressures that have shaped the rock of your faith with all of your unique crags and fixtures. I’m glad for your honesty; it opens doors to a depth that is otherwise impossible to explore.