The Big Event

One week ago my little sister got married. It was a wedding that was beautiful beyond belief. Everything turned out perfectly. We had the perfect venue, food, lights, flowers, happiness...everything. The one hard thing that was difficult for me was the fact that I had not lost the weight I anticipated that I would lose.

When she was engaged last December, I did a mental calculation of the amount of weight I could healthily lose and the awesome dress I could potentially fit into. I bought the dress, made some goals, and was on my way. I have, as many of you perhaps, done this a lot! I plan my life according to how much weight I could lose, if I would really stick to it, by a certain event--that event could be a wedding, summer time, the new school year, Christmas, a party, and on and on.

It was hard for me to realize that I only accomplished a small fraction of what I set out to do. And, yet, it left me deflated that, yet again, I wasn't where I wanted to be. Two weeks before the wedding I started to just not eat so I could lose weight, but then I would be emotionally drained and I would go to bingeing. It was a bad cycle that I got pulled into and wasn't sure how to pull myself out of. I logically know that this is not productive, but sometimes--where food is concerned--the logical brain loses to the emotional brain.

On top of that, it was hard to have to try and find a dress, four days before the wedding, that would actually fit me because the one I bought would not. It was hard, as the Maid of Honor, to have everyone take so many photos of the two of us and to realize that I didn't want to see or own any of those photos because of how I looked. I felt pretty ugly and bad most of the day (partly because I got these horrific bangs cut, too, that just didn't look so great--but that's another story). I felt like a bad version of myself on a day that should be pretty darn important.

That was a big event and I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a certain way.

It was nice, today, to have the realization that I have no major event coming up, nothing to try and starve myself for, nothing to rush or stress about. I have each day to get up and try and do my best. Each day to take one day at a time and see those days add up eventually. I have time. I can be gentle and patient with myself and that's exactly what each of us needs to be, isn't it?

How are you gentle and patient with yourself when you wish you were accomplishing things faster than you are?

Inspiration

A man--handsome, strong, fit, determined--rides his bike past me each day. The first time I saw him, I did a double take...something didn't seem right. I wasn't sure if I had seen him correctly. This man has one arm. He rides faster than many of the bikers on the trail. He works hard. His balance looks more graceful than you can imagine--his bike sways farther to the left and right than if he had both arms to balance him out. He rides past me and I watch him for a minute or two before he is out of sight. He helps me put things into perspective. He creates motivation and inspiration in my life--those things, being motivated and inspired, are higher energy feelings. They make all of our atoms and cells ring at a higher frequency. They, in fact, create strength within us. I thank him for his grace and dedication.

I heard a story the other day about an event that took place at the Special Olympics. Nine children, many with Down's Syndrome, were starting off on a race around the track. The gun went off and the kids began running. One young boy tripped and fell. He didn't get up. A small girl, running her race, realized that the boy was not running. She stopped and went back to him. Soon, all the runners had seen what she saw. They stopped and returned to him as well. Then, the small girl helped up the fallen boy and linked arms with him. The rest of the kids linked arms too, until all nine of the runners had linked arms and ran across the finish line together.

No ego. No first place. No winners. No losers.

I think about this story because, more often than not, this world values ego. We place value on the thinnest model, the richest banker, the highest paid actor. Why? When we just let go, when we get quiet, when we look inside ourselves--I think we gain a level of awareness that helps us not only know how to care for ourselves, but also, instinctively, how to motivate and inspire others right along with us, so we all cross the finish line together.

Thank you all for the inspiration and love I feel from each of you. You have been supporting me during my ups and downs and I am incredibly grateful for it. Today was a day of perfect eating, perfect exercising, perfect work, and no battles in my head. It was nice to have a down day.