Grocery Shopping

Today I walked my regular four + miles and it felt good. It felt familiar. As I was walking, there were several joggers passing me by. I admired the way they ran, the way their bodies moved in sync with their heart beats. I use to run. I loved it. I loved the feeling when I was done. I loved the way my body felt. I loved the happiness it brought me. It's been a long time since I have run. It's been 15 years.

I decided that it would be pretty incredible if I could run 6-8 miles a day as a part of my daily life. What if I could do that in about an hour time period, and what if I could be in a beautiful place when I did it? I really wanted this to become my reality. I realized, with a sigh, how far away that goal seems for me...but I wanted to bring it closer. So, to bring it closer, I decided to walk for 7 miles instead of 4. And I did. And it took a long time, because I can't speed walk for 7 miles...I just walk walk. The whole time I walked, I imagined the time when I would run the same distance.

Then I went to the grocery store. I don't know if it's habit. I don't know if it was cravings. I sometimes get in this stubborn state where I feel like I should be able to eat whatever I want and not feel bad about it. I took a shopping cart and I went around the store. I put in that frozen pizza that I wanted yesterday, I put in creme brulee, I put in some crackers (that I promised myself I wouldn't eat anymore), I put in some pudding. I put healthy things in too. But when I looked at my basket, I knew it was full of trigger foods and possible bingeing items.

I went to the check out line. I stood there. I fought the same battle I fought yesterday. Somehow I thought that fighting it yesterday would mean that I wouldn't have to fight it today. But, I had to fight it and fight it harder because this time I had the food right in my hand.

I got out of the line. I walked back through the grocery store and put everything back. EVERYTHING. And then I got out of there. I was NOT in the right frame of mind to grocery shop. So I left until I was. After the drive up the mountain, I felt better. I went into another grocery store and bought the things that I knew I REALLY wanted and that were good for me.

That Negative Mind

This week I have been hard at work. I work with people who are sick. I help to make them better. They are mentally and physically sick with an overwhelming negativity about life. They don't feel like they are worth anything. They don't feel like life is worth living sometimes. They starve or stuff or cut themselves. They hurt. They don't want to think these thoughts. They want to feel good and happy. They can't.

I help.

The biggest way that I help is to be a daily presence in their life of positive love energy. I bring kindness with me. I spread compassion. I bring possibility and love and empathy. I do it all in the face of the negative. And I slowly help the negative pathways reconnect to create positive pathways in the brain.

Repetition is key. Every day. For at least a year.

Please, please, for your sake, for your husband and children and family's sake, please be kind to yourself. Right now, this moment. Be gentle. Be loving.

Please do not cultivate guilt, shame, hate, sorrow and negative thoughts about yourself in your mind. Each time you do, you make it more of a habit. These habits ARE breakable. They are! I've seen young girls on the verge of death, 60 pound girls not wanting to live, saying they don't deserve life, I've seen them heal, be whole, be real, be normal, and go on to be shining lights in this world.

I'm sending each of you love and kindness and honor and support. I want each of you to now that you are sensitive. That you try to put others first, and that it's time to start thinking that you are worth it. Because you simply are.

Love is an enegry. It's a force. I'm sending it to you now. Feel it. Let it grow.

You are simply divine.

Alternatives

I have a stumbling block. It probably echoes yours, in a way...especially if your brain has been wired like mine.

Here is a typical scenario when I binge eat. I get in a state of IGNORING the inner thoughts that tell me I shouldn't do this to my body. I choose to LISTEN to the other part (what I now call the negative mind) that tells me that I need this food, I want this food, being full is so great, this will be the last time, I'll do better tomorrow, if I just eat this up right now it won't be here tomorrow and then I can start FRESH and CLEAN and NEW and I will be ready to change then.

I ALWAYS:

1. Tell myself I will do better at a certain time in the future (even if it's only a few hours in the future)

2. CANNOT handle having left overs in my house. If I just went out to eat with someone and took left overs home...as SOON as that person leaves and I am alone, I will EAT (stuff them into my poor stomach when I'm not the least bit hungry) all of the left over food because I can't handle the thought of it being there tomorrow for me to eat. I have to get rid of it and try to start off with a clean slate. This is totally compulsive behavior that leads me to eat an entire package of cookies, chips, or ice cream so that it won't be there "tomorrow".

3. Hide this behavior from any and all I know (except for my sister, who saw a bit of what I went through, but not much) and pretend that food and I are completely normal with each other and that there is no LOGICAL reason why I carry around extra weight because I'm really a healthy person.

Now, on good days, I can really eat like a normal person. But I averaged about two to three binge nights per week. This is when I don't eat food at all during the day (at work) and then on my way home stop at three different restaurants/stores to get food and sweets to go home and stuff myself with all night long until I can hardly move, think, act, engage and etc. It's pretty fucking awful.

The one moment I KNOW would change all of this is the moment leading up to the binge that hinge on my thoughts. When I START to make false promises to myself of doing it just for today and then tomorrow getting better. When I just eat two cookies like a normal person and then I get out of control and go back eating more and more even though I really don't want to.

It all hinges on the thought patterns I have created and indulged in for some sort of survival reasons I'm just figuring out.

I know that if I could just FINALLY act in a different way to the thoughts then I could create new patterns and learn to be natural and normal with food. Because, mostly, I just give in to them and I think I kind of believe I will change, because I sound so convincing in my head, but in the end, I fear I will NEVER change. I also worry of going back to these same thoughts with the opposite effect (I got as compulsive, obsessive, and even deeper unhappiness by STARVING myself for many years and I still do on and off. Though, lately, I tend to binge and purge a bit more frequently...but I've made a promise to myself NOT to do this anymore.)

So---Wow. That was intense and REALLY vulnerable for me to just write.

But, what I'm doing now, each day (because honestly, I HAVE to take this new journey ONE day at a time or it seems just TOO daunting) is to visualize alternatives to those thoughts. To visualize myself in similar situations (which it's been very helpful to move away from old habits and food addictions to a place where I don't have them) and see myself CHOOSING differently and having three alternative reactions that I can do. One of them is to write. One to walk. and the other, well, I'll explain at a different time.

What about you? Have you thought of alternatives to the destructive thoughts you allow yourself to think??

The Journey Begins

It starts. Well, It's already started. It's been a long journey until now. I have quite the long journey behind me. And yes, it's going to be long journey ahead of me too. But, isn't life a long journey? You betcha.

You all have your journeys too. With weight. With looks. With beauty. We question. We seek. We avoid. We chase. We want to attain. We want now. We have a destination. What does your destination look like? I bet you know in your head your destination. But is IT REALLY what you want?

I had a destination in my mind at 15. That destination led to anorexia and bulimia...and probably one of the most negative times in my life.

I had a destination in my mind at 18. It was the exact opposite of what I had earlier. It lead to extra weight and lots of fear. It's taken a long time to chip away at that fear. It's not all gone even now.

I've had a destination in my mind for a long time (cough Nicole Kidman cough) but finally...over and through my training and education and reading and learning of the past two years.

Finally
Finally


The destination is not what I'm really after...or at least, it looks different than it ever has before. More important than my destination is the journey...every single day...of being my best self.

I thought of putting up some of my goals here. And I will. I thought maybe I should tell you how much weight I want to lose. Though, I'm debating what the right number is for me. In fact, I'm debating whether or not to put a number on it at all. I thought of posting the photo of the bathing suit I want to wear the next time I sit at the beach. And well, maybe I will, but maybe I won't get that suit either.

I do, however, want to be real. I want to discuss the science behind our minds and why it's so hard to change.

I'm going to be super vulnerable about the battle of my every day brain and the fights that go on...every single time I eat.

So, if you're ready for that. Well, then let the journey begin. Glad you could join me.