Pretty Fantastic!

Becoming more aware is a path that you have to choose consciously. I think, at least for me, there are issues I have had my ENTIRE life--a negative tape player in my mind--that I never really thought I would ever get rid of. Much of it centered around food addictions/ purging/starving and all manner of eating disorders that I have had. After a lot of thinking, I can pretty much tell where most of it came from. While I blame no one, I see that certain things in my life triggered my brain to form in certain ways to protect itself.

I think we have all done that in some way or other. These protective measures are things that we might not even be aware of. Lately, however, with certain patients in my job, I have seen them manifest in ways that I have used myself and ways that I have not. Bingeing, purging, starving, stuffing, cutting, extreme exercise, compulsive behavior, OCD, money issues, fear, panic, anxiety and an array of other self-destructive hurt.

These measures seem far from protective when you think logically about them--but that is what I have always known--the stream of thoughts in my mind were NOT logical and that is why I always felt so strongly that no one would really understand this voice in my head--and the only tool I had to battle it was the other voice that WAS logical. I could only get rid of it with MY logic. And, that just didn't work. My journey has been one of two minds. I have had a positive voice and a negative, illogical voice--both trying to be the winner.

I'm a smart girl. Things in my life have worked well for the most part. I have a stellar education, perfect grades, and excelled at all I tried--photography, writing, painting, directing, singing, acting, traveling, adventure, helping, teaching, public speaking, debate and the like. I say this with no ego present. I say it standing outside of myself and looking back at my life and realizing that I was LOGICALLY trying to prove my worth and importance to a world that I felt did not see me as worthy or important. In the end, the approval I received for my successes never felt enough because I did not feel enough. I felt plagued with negativity. I felt constantly abused by the illogical thoughts I let circulate again and again in my head.

I am healing. I am learning to change these thoughts--you've seen the slow progress I've been trying to make that last few months.

Again, I understand that what I am saying does not make sense, but it is the truth behind my sensitivity. Many people lead lives like this. Lives that appear normal, happy, full, and wonderful. Mine has been on MANY, MANY, MANY levels. I have fought that negative voice and won most of the time--but I never imagined what a life WITHOUT the negative voice would be like. I really didn't know. I have gone back and forth between convincing myself that all people struggled with that negative voice in their head--and the opposite, that no one did.

Now I know that I can be without it. I'm not completely without it yet, but I am getting there. The level of freedom my mind has experienced the past month without the constant food obsessions flashing red across my brain have given me a level of hope for normalcy that I never dared dream.

It's pretty fantastic.

Alternatives

I have a stumbling block. It probably echoes yours, in a way...especially if your brain has been wired like mine.

Here is a typical scenario when I binge eat. I get in a state of IGNORING the inner thoughts that tell me I shouldn't do this to my body. I choose to LISTEN to the other part (what I now call the negative mind) that tells me that I need this food, I want this food, being full is so great, this will be the last time, I'll do better tomorrow, if I just eat this up right now it won't be here tomorrow and then I can start FRESH and CLEAN and NEW and I will be ready to change then.

I ALWAYS:

1. Tell myself I will do better at a certain time in the future (even if it's only a few hours in the future)

2. CANNOT handle having left overs in my house. If I just went out to eat with someone and took left overs home...as SOON as that person leaves and I am alone, I will EAT (stuff them into my poor stomach when I'm not the least bit hungry) all of the left over food because I can't handle the thought of it being there tomorrow for me to eat. I have to get rid of it and try to start off with a clean slate. This is totally compulsive behavior that leads me to eat an entire package of cookies, chips, or ice cream so that it won't be there "tomorrow".

3. Hide this behavior from any and all I know (except for my sister, who saw a bit of what I went through, but not much) and pretend that food and I are completely normal with each other and that there is no LOGICAL reason why I carry around extra weight because I'm really a healthy person.

Now, on good days, I can really eat like a normal person. But I averaged about two to three binge nights per week. This is when I don't eat food at all during the day (at work) and then on my way home stop at three different restaurants/stores to get food and sweets to go home and stuff myself with all night long until I can hardly move, think, act, engage and etc. It's pretty fucking awful.

The one moment I KNOW would change all of this is the moment leading up to the binge that hinge on my thoughts. When I START to make false promises to myself of doing it just for today and then tomorrow getting better. When I just eat two cookies like a normal person and then I get out of control and go back eating more and more even though I really don't want to.

It all hinges on the thought patterns I have created and indulged in for some sort of survival reasons I'm just figuring out.

I know that if I could just FINALLY act in a different way to the thoughts then I could create new patterns and learn to be natural and normal with food. Because, mostly, I just give in to them and I think I kind of believe I will change, because I sound so convincing in my head, but in the end, I fear I will NEVER change. I also worry of going back to these same thoughts with the opposite effect (I got as compulsive, obsessive, and even deeper unhappiness by STARVING myself for many years and I still do on and off. Though, lately, I tend to binge and purge a bit more frequently...but I've made a promise to myself NOT to do this anymore.)

So---Wow. That was intense and REALLY vulnerable for me to just write.

But, what I'm doing now, each day (because honestly, I HAVE to take this new journey ONE day at a time or it seems just TOO daunting) is to visualize alternatives to those thoughts. To visualize myself in similar situations (which it's been very helpful to move away from old habits and food addictions to a place where I don't have them) and see myself CHOOSING differently and having three alternative reactions that I can do. One of them is to write. One to walk. and the other, well, I'll explain at a different time.

What about you? Have you thought of alternatives to the destructive thoughts you allow yourself to think??

The Journey Begins

It starts. Well, It's already started. It's been a long journey until now. I have quite the long journey behind me. And yes, it's going to be long journey ahead of me too. But, isn't life a long journey? You betcha.

You all have your journeys too. With weight. With looks. With beauty. We question. We seek. We avoid. We chase. We want to attain. We want now. We have a destination. What does your destination look like? I bet you know in your head your destination. But is IT REALLY what you want?

I had a destination in my mind at 15. That destination led to anorexia and bulimia...and probably one of the most negative times in my life.

I had a destination in my mind at 18. It was the exact opposite of what I had earlier. It lead to extra weight and lots of fear. It's taken a long time to chip away at that fear. It's not all gone even now.

I've had a destination in my mind for a long time (cough Nicole Kidman cough) but finally...over and through my training and education and reading and learning of the past two years.

Finally
Finally


The destination is not what I'm really after...or at least, it looks different than it ever has before. More important than my destination is the journey...every single day...of being my best self.

I thought of putting up some of my goals here. And I will. I thought maybe I should tell you how much weight I want to lose. Though, I'm debating what the right number is for me. In fact, I'm debating whether or not to put a number on it at all. I thought of posting the photo of the bathing suit I want to wear the next time I sit at the beach. And well, maybe I will, but maybe I won't get that suit either.

I do, however, want to be real. I want to discuss the science behind our minds and why it's so hard to change.

I'm going to be super vulnerable about the battle of my every day brain and the fights that go on...every single time I eat.

So, if you're ready for that. Well, then let the journey begin. Glad you could join me.