Emotional Hunger vs Real Hunger

My breakfast this morning...double yum!

As I've been on this journey, there are a lot of things you have to sort through. One of the things within me that I am trying to honor right now is hunger.

That may sound weird, but to those of you who have not listened to your actual hunger in a long time, I think you know what I'm talking about. So much of what each human eats each day can be more emotional hunger than physical hunger.

When I suffered from my eating disorder I ignored my physical hunger so much that it just went away. My brain stopped wasting the energy to tell me my body was starving because I wasn't listening.

During the times that I have overeaten, I remember not feeling actual hunger for a really really long time because I never let my body feel it. I was eating too much and my body never got to have a break to process food, and then register an empty stomach. Have you ever had days or weeks like this? When was the last time you felt hunger and let your body just feel it for a little bit?

So, my new goal right now is to eat only when I actually feel physical hunger. This is harder than you might think because my body hasn't registered normal hunger feelings for many years. So, as I have been keeping my food journal, I'm not worried right now so much about carbs and fat and calories and all those things that get in the way. Right now my main concern is to eat only when hungry.

I encourage each of you to honor the wonder of your body by doing the same.

I'm posting a few of my recent food journals because a few of you have emailed me out of curiosity. I've been eating only when hungry. However, I'm hoping my hunger signals will improve. Just so you know, my boss/mentor looked this journal over and said that I actually wasn't eating enough, so I'm trying to see if my body can take time to adjust to a better hunger level. I think as I eat smaller meals more frequently then my metabolism with rise and I'll get more hunger feelings.

I really think another week or two of listening to my hunger will give my body the signal that it can start functioning normally in that respect. That might sound like a long time, especially when people on the biggest loser are losing double digits each week. But I'm not looking for a quick fix these days. I'm willing to put in the time, get to know my body, be kind and gentle and patient with myself. To me that's more of a revolutionary way of thinking than ANY quick fix!!

Sample Food Journals

(please note that I don't wake up until about 9:30 am each morning, and I go to bed around 1 am...I know! Crazy schedule!)

2/26/10

10:30 am—1 cup prune juice with 1 tbs spirulina

12:00 pm—2 eggs with tomatoes, spinach, fresh garlic, onion

1:00 pm—mint tea with spoon of honey and small cookie

4:00 pm—Salad: mixed greens, beets, carrot, cucumber, and rotisserie chicken. 2 tbs Caesar dressing

6:00 pm—Greek style honey flavored yogurt

9:30 pm—one apple

Supplements: fiber pills, garlic oil, turmeric, egg shell (pure calcium), Liquid kelp, 2 tbs apple cider vinegar in water

2/27/10

11:00 am—1 mango with ½ fresh lime squeezed over it, 1 banana

1:30 pm—mint tea, 1 tsp honey

2:30 pm—water with ½ lemon squeezed into it

3:30 pm—Salad: mixed greens, beets, carrot, cucumber, and rotisserie chicken. 2 tbs Caesar dressing

5:30 pm—small handful of almonds, 1 square of chocolat

6:15 pm—small handful of nuts, 1 glass milk

8:00 pm—cheese burger (gourmet from the best Swiss cows!), 15 fries, small salad (a work dinner with my patient)

Supplements: fiber pills, garlic oil, turmeric, egg shell (pure calcium), Liquid kelp, 2 tbs apple cider vinegar in water

3/2/10

11:00 am—1 plum, 1 natural yogurt (bio), 1 handful blueberries

1:00 pm—1 cup tea with 1 tsp honey and a dash of peppermint essential oil

3:00 pm—orange

4:00 pm—apple

5:30 pm—2 slices of brown bread (with nuts and oats) with 2 tbs organic peanut butter and 2 tbs strawberry jam.

6:30 pm—lavender tea (no honey) one square chocolate

8:00 pm—1/2 pita with hummus

9:30 pm—1 bell pepper stuffed with tuna (and mayo) and grilled with small slice of gouda on it

Supplements: fiber pills, garlic oil, turmeric, egg shell (pure calcium), Liquid kelp, 2 tbs apple cider vinegar in water

Food Journal

I have to confess. Not that that is anything new, that's what the whole blog is about. But I have to confess that while this blog is super good for my super health....I hesitate putting goals on it, because, well, who am I to give advice? There is always this underlying fear (which I am slowly working on getting rid of) that all the things I have tried before won't work and I'll be in the same place as I have been before. But, I'm really tired of fear. So tired of it that I just don't want to allow it in my life anymore.

I have a hard time being vulnerable. I am a perfectionist. I don't like admitting that I have problems or that I may need help. I have a hard time trusting people. But on Wednesday, I reached out to someone. It's my boss, the most loving woman I've ever met. She's helped so many people heal and be well from mental and eating disorders. I asked her for help. This was hard to do, because I work for her. My brain and self is supposed to be pretty secure and solid. My job depends on it. I told her that I was really trying, but that it's been about two months and not a change on the scale.

She asked me a question that has been ringing in my ears,

"Are you really trying?"

To some that can seem harsh, but to me, it was a wake up call. Was I really trying...or was I still making some familiar excuses? I decided to take some serious action. I asked her if I could journal all the food I eat and all the emotions along with it and show it to her each week. Her opinion means a lot. I trust her more than I trust most people. It was a scary thing asking for that help, because it was admitting that I have felt a little helpless lately.

The amazing thing that happened is that as soon as I started writing down everything I ate, it immediately got better. Knowing someone I admire and trust so much was going to read over it and look at it has made me almost eat in a perfect way. Because, honestly, I know how to eat. Don't we all? I know what to eat and when and how much, but a lot of the time as you rush through your day you aren't aware, you are busy, you didn't shop right, you gave in because of emotions...

I can honestly say I've been eating perfectly healthy and it hasn't even seemed hard. I've made smarter decisions in my meal choices and in my shopping. I've avoided trendy diets (like getting rid of all carbs or something, which really isn't healthy) and I've not made excuses. And my chocolate consumption is almost non-existent, but I'm not missing it much. It just feels good to have someone to be accountable to and someone to trust and someone to lean on. I've been trying to handle all the emotional issues by myself for so long that I never knew how nice help could be.

If I can help ANY of you in ANY way, please let me know. I'd love to share what I learn from my boss, I would love to look over any of your journals or just be a listening ear. If you think it would help for me to put some of my food journal online so you can see it, I totally will.

I think there is something brave in taking accountability for your actions...and what we put in our mouths each day is something I want to be accountable for.

The Journey Begins

It starts. Well, It's already started. It's been a long journey until now. I have quite the long journey behind me. And yes, it's going to be long journey ahead of me too. But, isn't life a long journey? You betcha.

You all have your journeys too. With weight. With looks. With beauty. We question. We seek. We avoid. We chase. We want to attain. We want now. We have a destination. What does your destination look like? I bet you know in your head your destination. But is IT REALLY what you want?

I had a destination in my mind at 15. That destination led to anorexia and bulimia...and probably one of the most negative times in my life.

I had a destination in my mind at 18. It was the exact opposite of what I had earlier. It lead to extra weight and lots of fear. It's taken a long time to chip away at that fear. It's not all gone even now.

I've had a destination in my mind for a long time (cough Nicole Kidman cough) but finally...over and through my training and education and reading and learning of the past two years.

Finally
Finally


The destination is not what I'm really after...or at least, it looks different than it ever has before. More important than my destination is the journey...every single day...of being my best self.

I thought of putting up some of my goals here. And I will. I thought maybe I should tell you how much weight I want to lose. Though, I'm debating what the right number is for me. In fact, I'm debating whether or not to put a number on it at all. I thought of posting the photo of the bathing suit I want to wear the next time I sit at the beach. And well, maybe I will, but maybe I won't get that suit either.

I do, however, want to be real. I want to discuss the science behind our minds and why it's so hard to change.

I'm going to be super vulnerable about the battle of my every day brain and the fights that go on...every single time I eat.

So, if you're ready for that. Well, then let the journey begin. Glad you could join me.