Perfect Penelope

One of the voices in my head.

PERFECT PENELOPE:

She really likes things clean. She finds joy in having everything in its place. Her hair is perfect, she looks like she stepped out of Vogue. Her fashion and sense of style are flawless. People "ooh" and "aw" over outfit choices, decorations, parties, and her many accomplishments. Her beauty appears effortless, even though she has worked longer and harder on it than most. But that has to be kept secret. Any work she does should be cast off, shrugged off, ignored or rejected by herself--though she feels horrible inside if no one acknowledges all the work she has actually done. When the praise does come, she handles it demurely, making light of herself as if she accomplished it all, and it was nothing. Just a wave of the hand. Simple. But. Perfect. In fact, that's the world she likes to create. Things should just magically appear. Laundry should come out folded in neat piles, pillowcases perfectly pressed, dishes always washed and stacked in neat lines, jokes told in perfect timing, everyone's comfort in front of her own. When all these things are done each and every day--well, then, people LOVE Penelope. They depend on her. They give her more and more to do because she always does it without complaint and she's always successful at all she does. Failure is not in her vocabulary. People depend on her consistency, her cookies are always moist, her house is always like out of a magazine, her manners are always impeccable (so is her spelling). People hold Penelope on a pedestal of perfection and grace. Perhaps Penelope believes she won't be loved and accepted by all these people if she doesn't meet their expectations. Where did she ever get such a silly idea from? And yet, why does this silly idea tend to gain such validation at work and in school where her accomplishments DID merit love and notice from those around her? If not love, at least admiration.

Penelope wants to eat two perfectly small means a day. She wants to weigh 130 pounds at 6 foot. She never wants to crave sweets, carbs, meat, or eat ANYTHING that would cause her ill health, fatigue, addictions, or pleasure. She has a lot of guilt about not doing these things perfectly. She has so much guilt around food, it's her main problem she can't control. Somehow she's gained a level of control in all other aspects of her life except for her body and her food. This, eternally, baffles Penelope. She blames Chloe. Chloe is fat, ugly, and she is keeping all three of us from reaching any level of potential success.

Three of Me

Can there really be three voices in my head instead of two? When did that ONE get all this competition? Would naming them even help? Perfect Penelope, Out of Control Chloe, and then, Simply Me? Does the simply me even want to be called "Stella" Was it the imperfect situations of my life, coupled with my voyeristic nature of watching other seemingly perfect families around me give me a sense of lack in my own self?

Who knows. I wish I didn't have to care. I wish these ideas of psychology didn't exist. I wish that inner reflection wasn't always weighing upon my mind--in conflict with the things I'm doing every day. Where does the balance of trying to become your best self and taking it to that extreme of demanding that you be good all of the time come from? Honestly, I though a lot of people were like me. I thought that what was going on in my head was just what went on in all heads. But seeing the laxidasical nature of many made me realize this wasn't so. I'm different. But I'm still like all those other people who are different like me. Many were geniuses, but many ended up in suicide or never reaching a state of peace. And while I don't have any suicidal tendencies, I have noticed that throughout my life the existential darkness has been developing and growing over the years. So, this is an honest exploration of self to temper Penelope and Chloe into a happy place of agreement with Simply Me.

Do you have it too? Those other voices in your head that sound like you, but they really aren't? I mean, they aren't your higher self? They are something loud, obnoxious and you might have gotten so used to what they are saying to you that you don't even know that they ARE NOT part of you?

Just think on that for a bit.

Confession #1

It's been a hard few months. Emotional, I suppose. I've been alone in my new house and with the return of my sweet and sacred alone time--something I was not expecting happened.

I've returned to my bulimia full force. Alone. In my house. I don't allow myself to keep any food down. I can't figure this out. I'm trying. I've decided that this secrecy I've held in my heart for so many years needs to be brought to the surface. I might reinvent this blog as a place to journal, think, fear, see, realize, awake, and hopefully gain some semblance of peace. So, thank you in advance for your kindness, your gentleness with me, your patience, and even if you do not understand what I'm saying--thank you for at least WANTING to understand.

Matrix Energetics

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us."
~Albert Schweitzer

The past two weeks have found me in a really dark depression. I'm not used to this. It hasn't happened in two years. Once it starts, I don't get out of it very easily. I worry it will drag on for months because I don't see anyway that it could ever get better.

I stay in bed. I eat bad foods. I watch tv all of the time. Even if my body cries out for exercise and my muscles sob from atrophy, I just lay still. I just zone out. I just try to forget I am who I am. It's weird. I don't like it.

I have been in that place for two weeks and I wasn't sure how to get out of it.

I have been part of an energy group for over a year now. We meet every Wednesday night and do healing work on each other. I haven't been for three weeks because I just wasn't feeling very into it. I went on Wednesday. A new woman worked on me. As soon as she touched me and sent me her energy--my entire bodily vibrations changed. I've had low vibrational energy the past two weeks. It's true. I felt all of it shift and leave. It was gone. I felt better. I felt lighter. I felt happy. I felt. I felt. I wasn't a zombie version of myself.

It was SO incredible that I couldn't believe it. It probably sounds weird. But there is something to the energy that we each give off. She was giving me lots of love and peace.

I went over last night, no group, just my friend. I had her work on me too. It sealed the deal.

Depression over.


I know it's not that easy for many people who stuggle with depression. But the thing I was thinking of was the fact that I just sort of accepted my depression, let myself feel it for awhile, and then I got out of it....in a way I hadn't even thought--which is sad, really, since I've been learning more and more the power of energy work.

So, if you're low--maybe get someone to do some energy work on you. I'd be happy to if you live in SLC or around there. And if you're interested, you could research Matrix Energetics. It's a bit crazy sounding, but I love it.


I'm sending you love and light!

Simply Raw

I have been thinking more and more that I simply need to do this. Now. Stop waiting. Just do it. Go raw. As soon as I get my own home and have a kitchen and am able to prepare food again. I'm going to do it. I'd love to have a small community of people who wanted to try it with me!

May I Be Frank?

May I Be Frank documents the transformation of Frank Ferrante’s life. Frank
is 54 years old, obese, depressed and addicted. He stumbles into a local
raw, organic and vegan restaurant in San Francisco, Café Gratitude.  When
Ryland, a server at Café Gratitude asks Frank “What is one thing you want to
do before you die?” Frank replies, “I want to fall in love one more time,
but no one will love me looking the way I do”.

Ryland, his brother Cary, and Conor, his best friend, are inspired by the
possibility of helping Frank.  For the next 42 days, Frank will eat only raw
food, practice gratitude, visit local holistic practitioners, and get a
weekly colonic.  Ryland, Conor, and Cary get to support Frank’s miraculous
transformation.  Frank gets a new body, a clearer mind, and most
importantly, a soaring spirit.  May I Be Frank documents the essence of the
human condition and what it truly means to fall in love again.

Stellar Lunch!

Yum! Today I had the most satisfying and delicious lunch. I created it with some of the things in my refrigerator and it was so darn delicious that I think I'll be eating often!

Chop up cilantro, tomato, avocado in a bowl. Squeeze the juice of one fresh lime over it and mix it up. Add in dashes of sea salt, garlic powder, and onion powder.

Grill a veggie burger.

Take the grilled burger, put 1/2 tsp of plain Greek yogurt on it, then add the salad mixture on top! Eat one or two and pair it with a salad! Delicious!