Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Conflict Resolution

Valentine's was interesting. I teach at a high school. So, at 33, to sit and watch these young, fresh, vibrant, perfect girls get candy and chocolate and balloons and stuffed animals was a bit hard for my spinster self. But I didn't let it get me down. I don't know what the hell I would do with a stuffed animal if I got it anyway. Goodness, I dislike all the typical "hallmark" gifts (besides chocolate). For me, a romantic day would be about gentle touches, shared laughter, a shared bathtub, shared bodies, and maybe a thoughtful gift. 

I don't have anyone to share this 14th with, but I will next year, so it's all ok. I had myself. I went grocery shopping on Valentine's Day. It was the best way to love myself. I hate grocery shopping. I feel overwhelmed by what I SHOULD buy, I worry about buying too much and not making the right choices, I try to avoid aisles with my trigger foods in them. I try to not go hungry. I have a bad habit of not having food in my house. I don't know what this is all about, but I'm sure it has to do with the fact that food and I have a tough relationship and with all things hard, we try to avoid conflict. So, when I don't have food in the house, I don't have to hate the food. It's weird. I know. 

One of my main goals this year is to actually PLAN and SHOP and FEED myself like normal people do. Screw perfection, I just want to feel normal. So, I did that on Valentine's Day. As I walked up and down the aisles, there were a lot of older single ladies there. Lots of OLD ones. Like 80. I helped a sweet one reach for her wheat thins on a shelf she couldn't reach. It didn't depress me. It just made me feel like part of the human race. And part of that race is slowing down and feeding yourself. I think, too often, we go on autopilot with our individual nourishment. 

After shopping, I came home and prepared my breakfast and lunch for the next three days.

And. Well. They've been good days.

1 comment:

Lori said...

Oh dear Stella...I so get your feelings...been there all alone on this hallmark holiday...even though I am married to my best friend and happily in love, I don't really grab a hold of hallmarks idea of how it should be celebrated...while flowers are nice I don't want them because it's expected...we have way too damm many stuffed animals in our house so that would not be a good honestly chocolate isn't my maybe...still what matters to me most is how he treats me on the non hallmark days...the little things he does for me just because every day of the year...he feels the same way we let the little's rule the day and really it's so much fun seen through their eye's...we can hold hands while watching them eat their hearts and look through their valentines...I just know that at the end of the day, it is him that I want to sleep next to and wake up to every single day...I never thought I would have this..this kind of love that goes through the mundane things of life with cleaning up puke with me in the middle of the night last night...who looks at me from across the room and I know what he is saying without him opening his mouth...don't give me flowers, diamonds, expensive gifts...ect..but give me a man that rubs my head or body when I hurt...who brings me cups of coffee or makes me breakfast...who tells me I am beautiful even when I haven't showered and I look a big fat mess...give me gifts for no special reason is so much more prayer is that you find someone like this to share life with...but until then that you enjoy where you are at right now. XX