Sunday, November 7, 2010
The past two weeks have found me in a really dark depression. I'm not used to this. It hasn't happened in two years. Once it starts, I don't get out of it very easily. I worry it will drag on for months because I don't see anyway that it could ever get better.
I stay in bed. I eat bad foods. I watch tv all of the time. Even if my body cries out for exercise and my muscles sob from atrophy, I just lay still. I just zone out. I just try to forget I am who I am. It's weird. I don't like it.
I have been in that place for two weeks and I wasn't sure how to get out of it.
I have been part of an energy group for over a year now. We meet every Wednesday night and do healing work on each other. I haven't been for three weeks because I just wasn't feeling very into it. I went on Wednesday. A new woman worked on me. As soon as she touched me and sent me her energy--my entire bodily vibrations changed. I've had low vibrational energy the past two weeks. It's true. I felt all of it shift and leave. It was gone. I felt better. I felt lighter. I felt happy. I felt. I felt. I wasn't a zombie version of myself.
It was SO incredible that I couldn't believe it. It probably sounds weird. But there is something to the energy that we each give off. She was giving me lots of love and peace.
I went over last night, no group, just my friend. I had her work on me too. It sealed the deal.
I know it's not that easy for many people who stuggle with depression. But the thing I was thinking of was the fact that I just sort of accepted my depression, let myself feel it for awhile, and then I got out of it....in a way I hadn't even thought--which is sad, really, since I've been learning more and more the power of energy work.
So, if you're low--maybe get someone to do some energy work on you. I'd be happy to if you live in SLC or around there. And if you're interested, you could research Matrix Energetics. It's a bit crazy sounding, but I love it.
I'm sending you love and light!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
I have been thinking more and more that I simply need to do this. Now. Stop waiting. Just do it. Go raw. As soon as I get my own home and have a kitchen and am able to prepare food again. I'm going to do it. I'd love to have a small community of people who wanted to try it with me!
Friday, November 5, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Yum! Today I had the most satisfying and delicious lunch. I created it with some of the things in my refrigerator and it was so darn delicious that I think I'll be eating often!
Friday, October 15, 2010
One week ago my little sister got married. It was a wedding that was beautiful beyond belief. Everything turned out perfectly. We had the perfect venue, food, lights, flowers, happiness...everything. The one hard thing that was difficult for me was the fact that I had not lost the weight I anticipated that I would lose.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
One of my biggest go-to trigger foods is CHOCOLATE. Brownies, cupcakes, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, French truffles, and so much more. I seriously have a piece of chocolate almost every single day. With the realization that I haven't had any energy lately, that I've been sluggish and tired, that I have been overwhelmed and drained, it seems really hard to give up chocolate--but it also seems time to give up the way I eat it. I'm so freaking tired of being so freaking tired!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I decided to try acupuncture last week. A friend of mine goes often and says that it has changed her life.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I'm back to blogging, and I'm getting back to taking care of myself. The last several months have been hard for me. I've been homeless for a large part of the time--staying on my sister's couch, a friends spare bed, and living out of a suitcase and my car. My life, which seemed so glamorous to many, quickly became one that no one would envy.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Today I went swimming in my pool. I made fresh juice of spinach, apple, and ginger. Then, I lay on my deck chair naked in the sun for almost forty minutes. I got a sunburn in places that have NEVER, NEVER seen the sun.
I heard once from a very healthy raw-foodist acquaintance of mine that you should try to lay naked in the sun for about twenty minutes a day for optimum health. I shook my head at that. I couldn’t believe that I would EVER have the courage to do that. I have a hard enough time being in a bathing suit in front of even myself--let alone trying to find a place where I can lay in the sun completely NAKED!
Yet, now, I have such a place. I have a private villa with a large balcony where not a soul in the world could see me if I sunbathed completely in the buff. So, for the first time in my life today—I did it—and it felt simply marvelous! My skin felt alive, the sun warmed me, and honestly, it was a utterly sensual and sexy. I felt happy and free in ways that I haven’t let myself feel happy and free.
I had some Finnish friends stay with me this past weekend and in Finland every one owns saunas. Families and friends become very accustomed to seeing each other naked in the saunas. It’s very traditional. You just know what everyone looks like naked in your family. I liked this idea. I like the idea of being more open and free with our bodies. I like the idea of being able to feel comfortable without the salaciousness of feeling “slutty” that tends to be the aim for those who do not wear many clothes. But, in the proper place and time, I thought, for the first time in my life, that I might actually want to go to a nude beach and see what the vibe is all about.
What about you? When was the last time you let the sun kiss every part of you? I highly recommend it. I’ll be doing it again tomorrow.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
"Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again , come , come." ~Rumi
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Becoming more aware is a path that you have to choose consciously. I think, at least for me, there are issues I have had my ENTIRE life--a negative tape player in my mind--that I never really thought I would ever get rid of. Much of it centered around food addictions/ purging/starving and all manner of eating disorders that I have had. After a lot of thinking, I can pretty much tell where most of it came from. While I blame no one, I see that certain things in my life triggered my brain to form in certain ways to protect itself.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I have recently heard a string of conversations, all on similar topics, that have made me ponder something that I haven't really ever thought of before--that of emotional genetics.
What is Emotional Genetics?
We all know that we inherit our physical characteristics, but what is less known is that we also inherit our emotional patterns. Traumatic events such as suicide, early death of a parent or sibling, financial ruin, abortions or miscarriages can impact the family system for generations. What is not addressed may surface in the lives of those who come later.
Not all psychological problems can be resolved with talk therapy. Sometimes we are deeply entangled in the family system and it shows up as limiting patterns. When we inherit what is in the family nervous system we may repeat the family fate. Self-sabotage, self-injury, chronic illness, depression, fear, anger, obesity, addictions and failure in relationships can all be forms of unconscious loyalties.
Emotional Genetics exposes the hidden patterns that keep us stuck and explores the effect of these unconscious loyalties on the current generation. Once we understand these bonds, we are able to free the current and successive generations from their influences, creating stronger, happier pathways for ourselves and our children...and theirs.
Lately I have had quiet time to ponder some things. Some of the things I have been pondering relate to a life time of relationships that never quite went where I anticipated that they would go. Thoughts about children I want to have, husband, family, support system, and the kind of person I envision myself being to take part in all of these things. I feel, every day, that I am getting closer to being the person I want to be--a person who is healthy emotionally and physically. These are vital to me before I undertake marriage OR motherhood. I don't want to pass on the things that my parents passed on to me.
I've been feeling a pull in thinking about some female ancestors of mine. Recently, over the last two years, I finally learned the truth about my paternal great grandmother. No one would ever tell me the story when I asked of her. They just shrugged. I always knew she had a hard life--but what I didn't know is that she married a scoundrel, whose name I still carry, who left her on and off to search the world for wine, women, and literally, song, (he was a part-time musician). Intermittently, he would come home and impregnate her, only to leave again before the baby was born, or shortly thereafter. My great grandmother, Anna, had three sons, was forced to take in laundry, live off the charity of her brother, and died in her early forties from an STD that she contracted from my great grandfather.
My maternal great grandmother, from old Mormon roots, did not fair much better as only ONE of many wives of a polygamist farmer.
Looking at the history of the Super Nova women, is it no wonder I have not had a relationship last longer than a few months? And while my most recent break-up was not what I wanted--in all the other scenarios-- I was the one who ended the relationship. I've been trying to think a lot as to why. I find myself at a loss.
Do any of you have ideas or insights into emotional genetics and its validity?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
It's been awhile since I've REALLY written what is going on. It's still a battle. Some days are easier, and some days, like today, are a lot harder.
Friday, April 2, 2010
After a month of enjoyable walks that were pretty flat--I've decided to up the game. I climbed a mountain today. It was really tall. It was hard. I got all red-faced and out of breath. I decided to climb this mountain four times a week until it gets easy. Hold me to it. Ok.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Today I spent three hours researching the ancient studies of Ayurveda--all thanks to my sweet friend Melissa who mentioned it on the blog awhile ago. I am pretty sure I have a kapha dosha--lucky me--the kapha dosha is encouraged to stay away from all wheat, dairy, tomatoes, avocados and bananas. Anyone who knows me knows that I basically could LIVE off the aboved mentioned foods. Sigh. But, I think I'm going to try eating the recommended foods and see how it goes. It's pretty simple. I should have more apples and pears than oranges. I should eat barley and quinoa instead of wheat. I should not eat dairy. I should exercise daily (apparently the Vata doshas don't have to do that...sigh again). I should avoid sweets as I tend to over do it. I am just so curious about these ancient methods of taking care of our bodies and understanding them.
Ayurveda is grounded in a metaphysics of the 'five great Elements: earth, water, fire, air an ether)—all of which compose the Universe, including the human body. Ayurveda deals elaborately with measures of healthful living during the entire span of life and its various phases. Ayurveda stresses a balance of three Humors or Energies: vata (air in space - wind), pitta (fire in water -bile) and kapha (water in earth -phlegm). According to Ayurveda, these three regulatory principles— Doshas (literally that which deteriorates)—are important for health, because when they are in balanced state, the body is healthy, and when imbalanced, the body has diseases. Ayurveda hold that each human possesses a unique combination ofDoshas. Ayurveda focuses on exercise, yoga, meditation, and massage. Thus, body, mind, and spirit/consciousness need to be addressed both individually and in unison for health to ensue.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Lest you doubt, I've been true to my training for my 1/2 marathon that I will run at some point this year. I have to check out the race offerings in my new home town.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Yum. I've been trying to delight, savor, and enjoy the times I am eating my food. I try to stay present in each meal. I try NOT to think or obsess about what I will eat and when I will eat it. I have a tendency, with so much of my time in life, to have a constant worry about when to eat, what to eat, will I over eat, will I under eat, why am I eating...and on and on and on.
I'm trying to get those thoughts out of my head. I'm trying, hard, to just eat simple meals that don't trigger anything in me (over eating) and that taste divine.
Breakfast this morning--freshly sliced mango with a sweet, fresh lime squeezed over it--all designed on a beautiful white plate.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Yesterday a funny thing popped up on my email inbox. It was a reminder that I was going to run a half-marathon on April 15th (yeah, with my sister--remember that, Sis?) I decided to do this sometime last fall, but I think with my move, with my job change, with my broken heart, with so many things--I guess I just pushed it aside.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
A man--handsome, strong, fit, determined--rides his bike past me each day. The first time I saw him, I did a double take...something didn't seem right. I wasn't sure if I had seen him correctly. This man has one arm. He rides faster than many of the bikers on the trail. He works hard. His balance looks more graceful than you can imagine--his bike sways farther to the left and right than if he had both arms to balance him out. He rides past me and I watch him for a minute or two before he is out of sight. He helps me put things into perspective. He creates motivation and inspiration in my life--those things, being motivated and inspired, are higher energy feelings. They make all of our atoms and cells ring at a higher frequency. They, in fact, create strength within us. I thank him for his grace and dedication.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Today I walked my regular four + miles and it felt good. It felt familiar. As I was walking, there were several joggers passing me by. I admired the way they ran, the way their bodies moved in sync with their heart beats. I use to run. I loved it. I loved the feeling when I was done. I loved the way my body felt. I loved the happiness it brought me. It's been a long time since I have run. It's been 15 years.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
The pants I am wearing now are simply too big. They are falling off. It's time to downsize. I knew this would happen, but I kind of forgot that was the goal too. Sounds weird, I know. I've been trying to just be the best I can each day--that, well, I sort of forgot all that effort would add up to weeks and results.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
"SURROUND YOURSELF WITH HIGH-ENERGY PEOPLE! Choose to be in close proximity to people who are empowering, who appeal to your sense of connection to intention, who see the greatness in you, who feel connected to God, and who live a life that gives evidence that Spirit has found celebration through them." ~ Wayne Dyer
I've been thinking about the people in my life today. I've heard that no one is in your life who isn't supposed to be there. Do you think that is true? Right now--my life-- I spend it with three people only. Just three people. The three people are pretty remarkable people. I love them deeply. In each of their ways, they are adding so much to my life.
But, three people only--that leaves lots of time for me. Lots of time. I live a pretty solitary life right now. I'm more solitary and spend more hours alone in a day than I have ever in my ENTIRE life. And yet, I'm more at peace, more thoughtful, more creative, more more more. I look forward to it and savor it every day because I know it won't last. I rejoice in the time I have to listen to myself and speak to myself and hear myself and really dig deep on issues and set backs and old habits.
I am grateful for this time. It's not going to last much longer. Just four more weeks really. Will that be enough time to center me for the high stress and stamina I'll need at that time? I hope so. I hope I'm solidifying my foundations. I am hoping this quiet time will center and teach me to put myself first (even if it's just for ten minutes in a day) and that from that--all other things fall into place.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Toluene is a human reproductive and developmental toxin. It may affect the nervous system with symptoms like tiredness, confusion, weakness, drunken-type actions, and memory loss. It is thought to cause liver damage and skin irritation. In high levels it may affect the kidneys. Toluene has been linked to birth defects.
Formaldehyde is a carcinogen and a common indoor air pollutant because its resins are used in many construction materials. Formaldehyde has caused cancer in the nose and throats. Inhaling the fumes can result in watery eyes, headache, burning in the throat, and labored breathing.
Phthalates are used to soften plastic, and are known to affect hormone function. Studies have linked phthalates to early puberty in girls and low sperm counts in men. Environmental groups claim phthalate exposure may contribute to the rising number of uterine problems in women and testicular cancer in men. It could also be one of the contributing factors to a rise in infertility in both sexes. Repeated and heavy exposure to dibutyl phthalate may cause nausea and/or vomiting, tearing of the eyes, dizziness, and headache. Long-term exposures may cause damage to kidneys and the liver. Pregnant women must consider that dibutyl phthalate may harm the developing fetus and the male testes.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
I wanted to share something with you. It’s a letter to a man who was not attracted to my body GASP! My own personal nightmare, right???? But it is this sort of friction that brings revelation and healing. Your post about loving your body is exactly what this letter is all about…you may post parts of it if you think it will help you or anyone else who reads…It is very personal, but ah! What is life if not sharing our personal moments to create movement?
Readers--I just had to post the whole thing. It's from one of the strongest, most beautiful and talented women I am privileged to know.
Today I took a bath. I used that fizzy bath bomb my mom sent me for Christmas and I cried the kind of tears that shake the soul. I contemplated the imperfections of my body, the soft hills and sharp angles and I wondered why God would make me go through this earthlife with such a flawed, wreck of a vessel. And just when I thought the pain would overtake me, an analogy came to my heart.
I am a burn victim, but I’ve been on fire from the inside out, like a microwave from a very young age. When I was a little girl, I was sexually abused. I didn’t even remember it until I was much older, but it affected many aspects of my development both emotionally and physically. I abused my own body in my attempts to anesthetize and make sense of a seemingly fractured world. I separated myself from my body – it was a ‘thing’ that I could blame for everything. That way, I kept my spirit safe. But you and I know that we are meant to be whole. The purpose of this entire earth life is to have a spirit and a body together…working together.
God needs me whole so I can do his work. And so I’ve been running into the fire, pulling myself out one charred limb at a time. An arm here, a calf there, and eventually the piece that would put it all back together again; my heart. The Savior has been my surgeon and like other burn victims, the reconstruction doesn’t happen in one fell swoop. It is a process…the greatest process of my life. But it has left me bruised, swollen, lumpy, soft in places that the world tells me I shouldn’t be.
The thing is, I’m proud of this body. I’m proud of my strong shoulders, my muscular calves that have walked through fires, and borne me up with I didn’t have any other strength. I’m proud of my cracking, bungled, arthritic knees that so quickly bend to worship my Savior and my soft belly- a monument to my willingness to change, forgive, stay soft though life has not always been easy or kind. My body is a work in progress and it is certainly not perfect by any standard, but this is why I love it. And this is why loving me means loving all of me. Because I am not separate from my body. Without this particular vessel, I would not be the woman I am. It was a gift from a loving and merciful father who teaches us in the ways that are most meaningful to each of us as individuals.
This part is important: In sharing these thoughts, I do not seek any particular outcome. You are under no obligation to see my body the way I do. We didn’t even know of each other’s existence when this plan was set into motion and you are not responsible for reconciling the consequences of my years of self-abuse. I can not and do not expect that of you. What I do hope is that you can understand how I can love myself as I am and why I must be careful in my desire to please someone else where my body is concerned. I do want to be and fully intend to get as healthy and as strong as I can. And I will continue to work hard, but there will always be ‘scars’ from my battle.
In the end, the initial revelation that I received when we first talked about the lack of attraction still stands, “don’t worry about it’ seems to patiently flood my veins in moments when it all seems too overwhelming to bear. The admonition is a mantra borne of my deep and abiding faith in the healing power of Jesus Christ. I will have peace because ultimately He paid the price for it and through repentance (and I consider my process toward a healthy, strong body and away from self-abuse to be a repentance process of sorts) I am made whole. I am connected to that great power which makes me full of love for myself including my body and by extension you and the rest of the world.
I am so grateful that you are the man that you are and I hope that in the span of our relationship, I can recognize the fissures and pressures that have shaped the rock of your faith with all of your unique crags and fixtures. I’m glad for your honesty; it opens doors to a depth that is otherwise impossible to explore.