Heart Shaped

Monday night I took a hot bath. Really hot. My legs got very, very red. When I lifted them out of the bath and put my legs up on the tub, I saw an upside down heart. My hips and thighs all rosy and red shaping a heart into the lengthy tips of my toes. I liked it. I liked thinking of myself as love. I like the idea of loving those hips and thighs.

And then I cried. A lot. It wasn't a sad cry or a cry for help, it was a release. I don't release a lot, but I realize, that sometimes cries are good. And they help me feel good. And sure, I indulge in tiny slivers of self pity, but then my mind becomes clear and I become more focused and I keep on.

I cried at how fragile life is. I cried because my sweet friend has cancer and chemo is kicking her ass. I cried because my other friend is suffering from anorexia so badly that she just isn't eating anymore and I don't know how to get her to eat. I cried because I am softening up and preparing to get vulnerable with the love of my life. I cried because sometimes I feel misunderstood. I cried because I miss my brother. I cried because most of my friends are married and busy and I have a lot of alone time and it sucks. I cried because I am so happy for all the blessings I have.

Then I stopped. Got out. Dried off. And went to bed.

Simply Raw

I have been thinking more and more that I simply need to do this. Now. Stop waiting. Just do it. Go raw. As soon as I get my own home and have a kitchen and am able to prepare food again. I'm going to do it. I'd love to have a small community of people who wanted to try it with me!

Chocolate Craving

One of my biggest go-to trigger foods is CHOCOLATE. Brownies, cupcakes, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, French truffles, and so much more. I seriously have a piece of chocolate almost every single day. With the realization that I haven't had any energy lately, that I've been sluggish and tired, that I have been overwhelmed and drained, it seems really hard to give up chocolate--but it also seems time to give up the way I eat it. I'm so freaking tired of being so freaking tired!

Luckily for me I have a new and awesome roommate for the month of October. Before I move into my new house in November, I have been blessed to live with my sweet Raw Food friend. Yesterday, I explained a bit of my chocolate drama and how I'm freaking out at the thought of not eating it in the forms that I always have. She told me that she was going to make me some Raw Brownies. I'm going to be honest--it did NOT sound good.

I stood in the kitchen and watched her make the dense part out of walnuts, dates, and raw cacao powder. That. Was. It. She made a mousse out of coconut oil, raw honey, cacao powder, and 1/2 an avocado.

I have to tell you--they were AMAZING! They were delicious! And they hit the spot! I am so lucky to be learning these things from her!

She just bought some sundried tomatoes and basil to make a pesto--I think I'm going to have to go look into how to make that one too!

Acupuncture--for the first time!

I decided to try acupuncture last week. A friend of mine goes often and says that it has changed her life.

I wasn't sure what to expect or what to look for. I went and the doctor started by taking my pulse--from that he knew I hadn't been sleeping enough (though the bags under my eyes, I think, could have told him that). He then looked at my tongue and said, "You're allergic to wheat, dairy, and sugar."

I had mixed reactions to that.

Reaction #1: Yep, I figured, all these years of achy joints, runny nose, clogged ears, and no energy--it makes sense.

Reaction #2: Holy shit--that means no more pizza, ice cream, or chocolate. What am I going to do! Ah! I have big emotional connections to those foods and they are just plain good! I'll never be satisfied again!

Reaction #3: Is this what I need to finally get healthy? This is a long journey...how can I follow through with all of this? Do I have the emotional energy to do all this stuff?

Then he put me on a table, stuck a bunch of needles in me, and I laid there for twenty minutes trying to figure out how to really change my life---realizing that, for the most part, I feel like I'm at the very, very, very beginning once again!

So--gluten free, dairy free, and sugar free.

I seriously don't know how to eat that way, but I'm going to start learning.

Keep Coming

"Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again , come , come." ~Rumi

When I find myself in states of illumination--no matter how seldom or often they come--I reach a level of calmness that doesn't accompany me in times when stress, anxiety, worry, sickness, imbalance tend to rule my life.

I'm coming to find--on this journey to awareness and complete health--that just because I have been aware and perfect one day, does not automatically mean that I will have the same experience tomorrow. It just doesn't. I thought it might...and maybe it will. Maybe I need more practice. Maybe I'll have to work at it every day. I don't know.

Something I am finding completely endearing about the human being, is the ability to hope, try, try, try, and hope some more. When you never give up, you never give up. And there is something truly beautiful in that....even if I'd rather be at a place of not having to keep dealing with the same.

Alternative Sweeteners

Lo Han Guo: A non-glycemic sweetener from Chinese medicinal tradition made from a type of wild cucumber.

Stevia: I recommend dried powdered leaves over extracts. This is a wonderful and easy plant to grow. It contains no real sugar, so therefore it does not feed candida or cancer. Look for organic stevia products.

Xylitol: This could be the sweetener of the future if it could be obtained with certified organic quality. Xylitol does not feed candida or cancer, but tastes normally sweet. Originally isolated from birch syrup; it is now available as a white powder.

Yacon: An extraordinarily easy to obtain and abundant subtropical to tropical tuber, relative to the Jerusalem artichoke. Yacon is commonly available as dehydrated chips and as a syrup. Look for organic products. Yacon syrup is rich in iron and only mildly glycemic. It is not raw.

Sweeteners to Avoid:

Refined white and brown sugars made from beet, sorghum, or sugarcane of all sorts, primarily due to genetically modified crop contamination, including:

Evaporated Cane Juice: Rapadura is one of the many names of this highly processed and highly heated product. This is almost pure sucrose, like maple, but lacks in minerals. Evaporated cane juice is known to aggravate all sugar-sensitive conditions from diabetes to candida to cancer. Evaporated cane juice can be certified organic. This product often sneaks into chocolate products, pre-made smoothies, and lots of vegan treats (because it is not processed with bone char).

Sorbitol: This sweetener is typically made from genetically modified corn starch. It was originally isolated from stone fruits of the genus Sorbus.

Other Considerations

The market is flooded with companies and products using all different kinds of sweeteners. Always select products containing certified organic sweeteners due to potential contamination from genetically modified corn and other crops that may contain glufosinate herbicides that damage your friendly healthy bacteria. Remember that certified organic sweeteners cannot be genetically modified (GMO).

This post was cut from an article recently shared by David Wolfe. Its entire content can be found at Sacred Chocolates website.

Pretty Fantastic!

Becoming more aware is a path that you have to choose consciously. I think, at least for me, there are issues I have had my ENTIRE life--a negative tape player in my mind--that I never really thought I would ever get rid of. Much of it centered around food addictions/ purging/starving and all manner of eating disorders that I have had. After a lot of thinking, I can pretty much tell where most of it came from. While I blame no one, I see that certain things in my life triggered my brain to form in certain ways to protect itself.

I think we have all done that in some way or other. These protective measures are things that we might not even be aware of. Lately, however, with certain patients in my job, I have seen them manifest in ways that I have used myself and ways that I have not. Bingeing, purging, starving, stuffing, cutting, extreme exercise, compulsive behavior, OCD, money issues, fear, panic, anxiety and an array of other self-destructive hurt.

These measures seem far from protective when you think logically about them--but that is what I have always known--the stream of thoughts in my mind were NOT logical and that is why I always felt so strongly that no one would really understand this voice in my head--and the only tool I had to battle it was the other voice that WAS logical. I could only get rid of it with MY logic. And, that just didn't work. My journey has been one of two minds. I have had a positive voice and a negative, illogical voice--both trying to be the winner.

I'm a smart girl. Things in my life have worked well for the most part. I have a stellar education, perfect grades, and excelled at all I tried--photography, writing, painting, directing, singing, acting, traveling, adventure, helping, teaching, public speaking, debate and the like. I say this with no ego present. I say it standing outside of myself and looking back at my life and realizing that I was LOGICALLY trying to prove my worth and importance to a world that I felt did not see me as worthy or important. In the end, the approval I received for my successes never felt enough because I did not feel enough. I felt plagued with negativity. I felt constantly abused by the illogical thoughts I let circulate again and again in my head.

I am healing. I am learning to change these thoughts--you've seen the slow progress I've been trying to make that last few months.

Again, I understand that what I am saying does not make sense, but it is the truth behind my sensitivity. Many people lead lives like this. Lives that appear normal, happy, full, and wonderful. Mine has been on MANY, MANY, MANY levels. I have fought that negative voice and won most of the time--but I never imagined what a life WITHOUT the negative voice would be like. I really didn't know. I have gone back and forth between convincing myself that all people struggled with that negative voice in their head--and the opposite, that no one did.

Now I know that I can be without it. I'm not completely without it yet, but I am getting there. The level of freedom my mind has experienced the past month without the constant food obsessions flashing red across my brain have given me a level of hope for normalcy that I never dared dream.

It's pretty fantastic.

Foxy

Yesterday on my hike I saw something rare and beautiful...a sweet little silver fox walked along my path with me for a bit. She was silky and smooth and beautiful. And she looked right at me. She stopped. I stopped. Our eyes met. I was alone in the woods, like usual. I was red-faced and a little out of breath, like usual. And there she was, smiling a foxy smile at me. It made me happy.

As I pressed on I realized that my time in the Alps, these four months, end in only three weeks. In three weeks it is on to a much more pressing schedule. I'll have more to do, less free time, and I will feel the effects of what "real" life does to me.

I feel a bit of fear in it. Can I still make time for myself? Can I continue on this path that I have started? My thoughts need rewiring still. I'm getting stronger, but I still have a long ways to go yet. The time for testing is coming near. The time to see if I can carry the new me into my new life.

Completely Amazed

(Totally random photo that came up when I searched for an image with "thought clouds above head"--sometimes I think this is what some of my thoughts look like.)

It's been awhile since I've REALLY written what is going on. It's still a battle. Some days are easier, and some days, like today, are a lot harder.

Do you know what is funny? I feel like I have so many different forms of advice that I have heard over the years, and I find myself still trying to incorporate all of them in various ways.

Think positively!

Think thin thoughts!

Will power!

Just don't eat that chocolate!

Be strong!

Why, oh why do you actually WANT a second helping of food when you know that it is not good for you?

Get a hobby!

Take a walk every time you want to overeat!

Comfort yourself in other ways!

Get up early and have a good start to your day!

Eat a healthy breakfast.

Carbs are bad!!!!

Carbs are good!

Certain carbs are bad and certain carbs are good!!!!!!

Is this a good carb?

I don't really like meat.

Meat is a healthy protein.

Pork causes parasites!

Eat every two hours!

Only eat three meals a day!

Eat grains in the morning!

Only eat protein in the morning!

Don't drink with your meals!

You should exercise longer!!

You should be gentle with yourself.

Be harder on yourself and get more done!

And on, and on, and on.

Is anyone else like this? I have found, this week, that I haven't made big changes to anything. I am eating relatively healthy. Yesterday, Easter, I was a little homesick and probably ate more food and chocolate than my body really needed--but mostly, I've been going about like normal and just being in a STATE of COMPLETE amazement at just how many, how often, and how annoying all these thoughts are. How did they get in my head? Is it because I have read too many health magazines, blogs, books, and listened to too many tv shows, gurus, and the like?

I keep feeling, somehow, deep inside, that I instinctively know what is right for me--and I'm still chopping away at all the other things I've allowed to take up space in my thoughts. I am, I think, on a journey to find that inner voice and learn how to listen to it.

What about you?

Grocery Shopping

Today I walked my regular four + miles and it felt good. It felt familiar. As I was walking, there were several joggers passing me by. I admired the way they ran, the way their bodies moved in sync with their heart beats. I use to run. I loved it. I loved the feeling when I was done. I loved the way my body felt. I loved the happiness it brought me. It's been a long time since I have run. It's been 15 years.

I decided that it would be pretty incredible if I could run 6-8 miles a day as a part of my daily life. What if I could do that in about an hour time period, and what if I could be in a beautiful place when I did it? I really wanted this to become my reality. I realized, with a sigh, how far away that goal seems for me...but I wanted to bring it closer. So, to bring it closer, I decided to walk for 7 miles instead of 4. And I did. And it took a long time, because I can't speed walk for 7 miles...I just walk walk. The whole time I walked, I imagined the time when I would run the same distance.

Then I went to the grocery store. I don't know if it's habit. I don't know if it was cravings. I sometimes get in this stubborn state where I feel like I should be able to eat whatever I want and not feel bad about it. I took a shopping cart and I went around the store. I put in that frozen pizza that I wanted yesterday, I put in creme brulee, I put in some crackers (that I promised myself I wouldn't eat anymore), I put in some pudding. I put healthy things in too. But when I looked at my basket, I knew it was full of trigger foods and possible bingeing items.

I went to the check out line. I stood there. I fought the same battle I fought yesterday. Somehow I thought that fighting it yesterday would mean that I wouldn't have to fight it today. But, I had to fight it and fight it harder because this time I had the food right in my hand.

I got out of the line. I walked back through the grocery store and put everything back. EVERYTHING. And then I got out of there. I was NOT in the right frame of mind to grocery shop. So I left until I was. After the drive up the mountain, I felt better. I went into another grocery store and bought the things that I knew I REALLY wanted and that were good for me.

Update

The pants I am wearing now are simply too big. They are falling off. It's time to downsize. I knew this would happen, but I kind of forgot that was the goal too. Sounds weird, I know. I've been trying to just be the best I can each day--that, well, I sort of forgot all that effort would add up to weeks and results.

I'm not sure how much I weigh or how much I've lost. I don't really feel that different and it's been slow going. But the reality is that the pants that I couldn't quite get done up last month, the pants that are a size smaller than I've been wearing for the past two years, well, these are the pants that now fit.

The others--I'm giving away.

High Energy People

"SURROUND YOURSELF WITH HIGH-ENERGY PEOPLE! Choose to be in close proximity to people who are empowering, who appeal to your sense of connection to intention, who see the greatness in you, who feel connected to God, and who live a life that gives evidence that Spirit has found celebration through them." ~ Wayne Dyer

I've been thinking about the people in my life today. I've heard that no one is in your life who isn't supposed to be there. Do you think that is true? Right now--my life-- I spend it with three people only. Just three people. The three people are pretty remarkable people. I love them deeply. In each of their ways, they are adding so much to my life.

But, three people only--that leaves lots of time for me. Lots of time. I live a pretty solitary life right now. I'm more solitary and spend more hours alone in a day than I have ever in my ENTIRE life. And yet, I'm more at peace, more thoughtful, more creative, more more more. I look forward to it and savor it every day because I know it won't last. I rejoice in the time I have to listen to myself and speak to myself and hear myself and really dig deep on issues and set backs and old habits.

I am grateful for this time. It's not going to last much longer. Just four more weeks really. Will that be enough time to center me for the high stress and stamina I'll need at that time? I hope so. I hope I'm solidifying my foundations. I am hoping this quiet time will center and teach me to put myself first (even if it's just for ten minutes in a day) and that from that--all other things fall into place.

It is Safe

I went for another long walk yesterday and had a lot of time to think. Sometimes I try to release thoughts and reach a peaceful zen and other times I like to process through things and come to conclusions that are working for me.

I've realized something this week. Eating is safe. Eating the right amount of food for my body is safe. The word "safe" probably comes to you as being out of place, but I'm using it very intentionally. I never realized how many of my thoughts fight against food at every moment. White bread is bad for me, I shouldn't be eating this chocolate, I probably am going to gain weight from these potatoes and gravy, I can't believe I just put honey in my tea--hello blood sugar increase...maybe I shouldn't eat this fruit, cheese goes right to my thighs....and on and on and on. I have gotten SO used to constantly thinking these thoughts that they were more of a humming in my brain than something I was thinking consciously. Do you have similar thoughts that make you feel bad when you eat something, but you eat it anyway and then feel guilt on top of feeling bad?

I eat many meals with my sweet boss. As as I'm trying to be healthy, my initial route would be to avoid certain foods and stick to strict outlines of what is GOOD for me. I've tried this and failed for YEARS. She says that this just doesn't work. She said to just focus on eating normal amounts of food for now. When we eat together, she explains what's in each dish she makes and then she always says, "It can't hurt you, honey." Sometimes I like to believe that I'm pretty tough, that I have things pretty figured out and that I'm above simple phrases like that actually making a difference in my day. But EVERY time she says it, I believe it and I feel fine eating these foods. I don't feel the guilt and the shame and the fear and all the other things that I believed caused me to hold on to extra weight because I believe that it WOULD bring on extra weight.

I've been an advocate of "thoughts become things" for a long time, I've manifested lots of amazing things in my life--but never with my body or with food. So to start to believe that eating food is a "safe" thing and that it can't "hurt" me is actually pretty revolutionary and I can feel its affects on my body already.

It is safe. It really is.

My Enemy, My Friend

May I send out some love and thanks to each of you. I've received some pretty powerful emails from a few special girls this week and it's encouraged me in some marvelous ways. One thing I hear again and again (and often times I say it in my own mind) is that we just want to be there, right? The finish line. The end goal. For some, like me, this can seem so far away. It can seem unreachable. It has to be taken in baby steps. Here are a few of my baby steps.

My body is no longer my enemy. I've decided it. Thus it's my new reality. My body is my friend.

This is REVOLUTIONARY in my new world.

Yes, perhaps it is a slow process. But may I ask what the hurry is?

There is none.

Relax. Breathe. Be gentle.

The American culture is constantly feeding our minds with the idea that we must lose 30 pounds in a month, that we must do this and this FAST FAST FAST. It can be easy! It can be quick!

I say, why? I'm on a journey.

I am not even focusing on losing weight. I don't want to focus on that. I've been focusing and obsessing about that since I was 6 years old. I'm over that. That is no longer part of my life story. What I am focusing on is just getting to know my body.

"Hey stomach, are you in need of food yet?"

"Hey stomach, is that enough food?"

"Hey body, how did you feel after I ate that, was that ok?"

"Hey body, what do you need? Have I been denying you of anything lately?"

"Hey body, thanks. Thanks for breathing and circulating and walking and running and feeling the fresh air that filtered down from the top of those beautiful Alps this morning. Just thanks."

What are your baby steps?

One Week

It's been exactly a week since I have over eaten. I know that sounds small. But for me it feels huge. I mean, I haven't binged at all. I don't think I've gone without bingeing in over a week since November 2008 (when I did the master cleanse diet). I really feel like I've eaten perfectly this week. That doesn't mean that I didn't have some chocolate, because I did. It doesn't mean that I didn't have some white bread with my tuna fish yesterday, because I absolutely did. When I say eating perfectly, I mean, eating only when I felt physical hunger.

To the people out there who this in normal to, I know you don't get it. And that's ok. To those of you who know exactly what I'm talking about, then maybe you see how big this is for me. It makes me happy. It makes me feel in control. It makes me feel...well, kind of normal concerning food.

Just wanted to share and gush!!

Just Relax

One thing that has to be apart of daily life is the ability to be yourself and to have your moments of zen and calm.

One of my worries about starting this blog was that I might call too much attention to sickness and things going wrong, instead of focusing on health, wisdom, and how perfect each of you already are. I didn't want to focus on anything else other than the love I have for myself and how I'm already pretty wonderful.

I have a problem of getting too obsessive about things. About worrying, having a goal, meeting the goal. I don't want this journey to be like that...and I think when we are talking about changing our bodies it is easy to get roped into that mentality.

So today, I took a break from all the thoughts on health, repeated that I'm already pretty perfect, and just chilled out.

Ahh.