Matrix Energetics

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us."
~Albert Schweitzer

The past two weeks have found me in a really dark depression. I'm not used to this. It hasn't happened in two years. Once it starts, I don't get out of it very easily. I worry it will drag on for months because I don't see anyway that it could ever get better.

I stay in bed. I eat bad foods. I watch tv all of the time. Even if my body cries out for exercise and my muscles sob from atrophy, I just lay still. I just zone out. I just try to forget I am who I am. It's weird. I don't like it.

I have been in that place for two weeks and I wasn't sure how to get out of it.

I have been part of an energy group for over a year now. We meet every Wednesday night and do healing work on each other. I haven't been for three weeks because I just wasn't feeling very into it. I went on Wednesday. A new woman worked on me. As soon as she touched me and sent me her energy--my entire bodily vibrations changed. I've had low vibrational energy the past two weeks. It's true. I felt all of it shift and leave. It was gone. I felt better. I felt lighter. I felt happy. I felt. I felt. I wasn't a zombie version of myself.

It was SO incredible that I couldn't believe it. It probably sounds weird. But there is something to the energy that we each give off. She was giving me lots of love and peace.

I went over last night, no group, just my friend. I had her work on me too. It sealed the deal.

Depression over.


I know it's not that easy for many people who stuggle with depression. But the thing I was thinking of was the fact that I just sort of accepted my depression, let myself feel it for awhile, and then I got out of it....in a way I hadn't even thought--which is sad, really, since I've been learning more and more the power of energy work.

So, if you're low--maybe get someone to do some energy work on you. I'd be happy to if you live in SLC or around there. And if you're interested, you could research Matrix Energetics. It's a bit crazy sounding, but I love it.


I'm sending you love and light!

Simply Raw

I have been thinking more and more that I simply need to do this. Now. Stop waiting. Just do it. Go raw. As soon as I get my own home and have a kitchen and am able to prepare food again. I'm going to do it. I'd love to have a small community of people who wanted to try it with me!

Acupuncture--for the first time!

I decided to try acupuncture last week. A friend of mine goes often and says that it has changed her life.

I wasn't sure what to expect or what to look for. I went and the doctor started by taking my pulse--from that he knew I hadn't been sleeping enough (though the bags under my eyes, I think, could have told him that). He then looked at my tongue and said, "You're allergic to wheat, dairy, and sugar."

I had mixed reactions to that.

Reaction #1: Yep, I figured, all these years of achy joints, runny nose, clogged ears, and no energy--it makes sense.

Reaction #2: Holy shit--that means no more pizza, ice cream, or chocolate. What am I going to do! Ah! I have big emotional connections to those foods and they are just plain good! I'll never be satisfied again!

Reaction #3: Is this what I need to finally get healthy? This is a long journey...how can I follow through with all of this? Do I have the emotional energy to do all this stuff?

Then he put me on a table, stuck a bunch of needles in me, and I laid there for twenty minutes trying to figure out how to really change my life---realizing that, for the most part, I feel like I'm at the very, very, very beginning once again!

So--gluten free, dairy free, and sugar free.

I seriously don't know how to eat that way, but I'm going to start learning.

Emotional Genetics

I have recently heard a string of conversations, all on similar topics, that have made me ponder something that I haven't really ever thought of before--that of emotional genetics.

What is Emotional Genetics?

We all know that we inherit our physical characteristics, but what is less known is that we also inherit our emotional patterns. Traumatic events such as suicide, early death of a parent or sibling, financial ruin, abortions or miscarriages can impact the family system for generations. What is not addressed may surface in the lives of those who come later.

Not all psychological problems can be resolved with talk therapy. Sometimes we are deeply entangled in the family system and it shows up as limiting patterns. When we inherit what is in the family nervous system we may repeat the family fate. Self-sabotage, self-injury, chronic illness, depression, fear, anger, obesity, addictions and failure in relationships can all be forms of unconscious loyalties.

Emotional Genetics exposes the hidden patterns that keep us stuck and explores the effect of these unconscious loyalties on the current generation. Once we understand these bonds, we are able to free the current and successive generations from their influences, creating stronger, happier pathways for ourselves and our children...and theirs.

Lately I have had quiet time to ponder some things. Some of the things I have been pondering relate to a life time of relationships that never quite went where I anticipated that they would go. Thoughts about children I want to have, husband, family, support system, and the kind of person I envision myself being to take part in all of these things. I feel, every day, that I am getting closer to being the person I want to be--a person who is healthy emotionally and physically. These are vital to me before I undertake marriage OR motherhood. I don't want to pass on the things that my parents passed on to me.

I've been feeling a pull in thinking about some female ancestors of mine. Recently, over the last two years, I finally learned the truth about my paternal great grandmother. No one would ever tell me the story when I asked of her. They just shrugged. I always knew she had a hard life--but what I didn't know is that she married a scoundrel, whose name I still carry, who left her on and off to search the world for wine, women, and literally, song, (he was a part-time musician). Intermittently, he would come home and impregnate her, only to leave again before the baby was born, or shortly thereafter. My great grandmother, Anna, had three sons, was forced to take in laundry, live off the charity of her brother, and died in her early forties from an STD that she contracted from my great grandfather.

Damn.

My maternal great grandmother, from old Mormon roots, did not fair much better as only ONE of many wives of a polygamist farmer.

Yikes.

Looking at the history of the Super Nova women, is it no wonder I have not had a relationship last longer than a few months? And while my most recent break-up was not what I wanted--in all the other scenarios-- I was the one who ended the relationship. I've been trying to think a lot as to why. I find myself at a loss.

Do any of you have ideas or insights into emotional genetics and its validity?

Foxy

Yesterday on my hike I saw something rare and beautiful...a sweet little silver fox walked along my path with me for a bit. She was silky and smooth and beautiful. And she looked right at me. She stopped. I stopped. Our eyes met. I was alone in the woods, like usual. I was red-faced and a little out of breath, like usual. And there she was, smiling a foxy smile at me. It made me happy.

As I pressed on I realized that my time in the Alps, these four months, end in only three weeks. In three weeks it is on to a much more pressing schedule. I'll have more to do, less free time, and I will feel the effects of what "real" life does to me.

I feel a bit of fear in it. Can I still make time for myself? Can I continue on this path that I have started? My thoughts need rewiring still. I'm getting stronger, but I still have a long ways to go yet. The time for testing is coming near. The time to see if I can carry the new me into my new life.

Inspiration

A man--handsome, strong, fit, determined--rides his bike past me each day. The first time I saw him, I did a double take...something didn't seem right. I wasn't sure if I had seen him correctly. This man has one arm. He rides faster than many of the bikers on the trail. He works hard. His balance looks more graceful than you can imagine--his bike sways farther to the left and right than if he had both arms to balance him out. He rides past me and I watch him for a minute or two before he is out of sight. He helps me put things into perspective. He creates motivation and inspiration in my life--those things, being motivated and inspired, are higher energy feelings. They make all of our atoms and cells ring at a higher frequency. They, in fact, create strength within us. I thank him for his grace and dedication.

I heard a story the other day about an event that took place at the Special Olympics. Nine children, many with Down's Syndrome, were starting off on a race around the track. The gun went off and the kids began running. One young boy tripped and fell. He didn't get up. A small girl, running her race, realized that the boy was not running. She stopped and went back to him. Soon, all the runners had seen what she saw. They stopped and returned to him as well. Then, the small girl helped up the fallen boy and linked arms with him. The rest of the kids linked arms too, until all nine of the runners had linked arms and ran across the finish line together.

No ego. No first place. No winners. No losers.

I think about this story because, more often than not, this world values ego. We place value on the thinnest model, the richest banker, the highest paid actor. Why? When we just let go, when we get quiet, when we look inside ourselves--I think we gain a level of awareness that helps us not only know how to care for ourselves, but also, instinctively, how to motivate and inspire others right along with us, so we all cross the finish line together.

Thank you all for the inspiration and love I feel from each of you. You have been supporting me during my ups and downs and I am incredibly grateful for it. Today was a day of perfect eating, perfect exercising, perfect work, and no battles in my head. It was nice to have a down day.

That Negative Mind

This week I have been hard at work. I work with people who are sick. I help to make them better. They are mentally and physically sick with an overwhelming negativity about life. They don't feel like they are worth anything. They don't feel like life is worth living sometimes. They starve or stuff or cut themselves. They hurt. They don't want to think these thoughts. They want to feel good and happy. They can't.

I help.

The biggest way that I help is to be a daily presence in their life of positive love energy. I bring kindness with me. I spread compassion. I bring possibility and love and empathy. I do it all in the face of the negative. And I slowly help the negative pathways reconnect to create positive pathways in the brain.

Repetition is key. Every day. For at least a year.

Please, please, for your sake, for your husband and children and family's sake, please be kind to yourself. Right now, this moment. Be gentle. Be loving.

Please do not cultivate guilt, shame, hate, sorrow and negative thoughts about yourself in your mind. Each time you do, you make it more of a habit. These habits ARE breakable. They are! I've seen young girls on the verge of death, 60 pound girls not wanting to live, saying they don't deserve life, I've seen them heal, be whole, be real, be normal, and go on to be shining lights in this world.

I'm sending each of you love and kindness and honor and support. I want each of you to now that you are sensitive. That you try to put others first, and that it's time to start thinking that you are worth it. Because you simply are.

Love is an enegry. It's a force. I'm sending it to you now. Feel it. Let it grow.

You are simply divine.