The Big Event

One week ago my little sister got married. It was a wedding that was beautiful beyond belief. Everything turned out perfectly. We had the perfect venue, food, lights, flowers, happiness...everything. The one hard thing that was difficult for me was the fact that I had not lost the weight I anticipated that I would lose.

When she was engaged last December, I did a mental calculation of the amount of weight I could healthily lose and the awesome dress I could potentially fit into. I bought the dress, made some goals, and was on my way. I have, as many of you perhaps, done this a lot! I plan my life according to how much weight I could lose, if I would really stick to it, by a certain event--that event could be a wedding, summer time, the new school year, Christmas, a party, and on and on.

It was hard for me to realize that I only accomplished a small fraction of what I set out to do. And, yet, it left me deflated that, yet again, I wasn't where I wanted to be. Two weeks before the wedding I started to just not eat so I could lose weight, but then I would be emotionally drained and I would go to bingeing. It was a bad cycle that I got pulled into and wasn't sure how to pull myself out of. I logically know that this is not productive, but sometimes--where food is concerned--the logical brain loses to the emotional brain.

On top of that, it was hard to have to try and find a dress, four days before the wedding, that would actually fit me because the one I bought would not. It was hard, as the Maid of Honor, to have everyone take so many photos of the two of us and to realize that I didn't want to see or own any of those photos because of how I looked. I felt pretty ugly and bad most of the day (partly because I got these horrific bangs cut, too, that just didn't look so great--but that's another story). I felt like a bad version of myself on a day that should be pretty darn important.

That was a big event and I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a certain way.

It was nice, today, to have the realization that I have no major event coming up, nothing to try and starve myself for, nothing to rush or stress about. I have each day to get up and try and do my best. Each day to take one day at a time and see those days add up eventually. I have time. I can be gentle and patient with myself and that's exactly what each of us needs to be, isn't it?

How are you gentle and patient with yourself when you wish you were accomplishing things faster than you are?

Update

The pants I am wearing now are simply too big. They are falling off. It's time to downsize. I knew this would happen, but I kind of forgot that was the goal too. Sounds weird, I know. I've been trying to just be the best I can each day--that, well, I sort of forgot all that effort would add up to weeks and results.

I'm not sure how much I weigh or how much I've lost. I don't really feel that different and it's been slow going. But the reality is that the pants that I couldn't quite get done up last month, the pants that are a size smaller than I've been wearing for the past two years, well, these are the pants that now fit.

The others--I'm giving away.

My Enemy, My Friend

May I send out some love and thanks to each of you. I've received some pretty powerful emails from a few special girls this week and it's encouraged me in some marvelous ways. One thing I hear again and again (and often times I say it in my own mind) is that we just want to be there, right? The finish line. The end goal. For some, like me, this can seem so far away. It can seem unreachable. It has to be taken in baby steps. Here are a few of my baby steps.

My body is no longer my enemy. I've decided it. Thus it's my new reality. My body is my friend.

This is REVOLUTIONARY in my new world.

Yes, perhaps it is a slow process. But may I ask what the hurry is?

There is none.

Relax. Breathe. Be gentle.

The American culture is constantly feeding our minds with the idea that we must lose 30 pounds in a month, that we must do this and this FAST FAST FAST. It can be easy! It can be quick!

I say, why? I'm on a journey.

I am not even focusing on losing weight. I don't want to focus on that. I've been focusing and obsessing about that since I was 6 years old. I'm over that. That is no longer part of my life story. What I am focusing on is just getting to know my body.

"Hey stomach, are you in need of food yet?"

"Hey stomach, is that enough food?"

"Hey body, how did you feel after I ate that, was that ok?"

"Hey body, what do you need? Have I been denying you of anything lately?"

"Hey body, thanks. Thanks for breathing and circulating and walking and running and feeling the fresh air that filtered down from the top of those beautiful Alps this morning. Just thanks."

What are your baby steps?

One Week

It's been exactly a week since I have over eaten. I know that sounds small. But for me it feels huge. I mean, I haven't binged at all. I don't think I've gone without bingeing in over a week since November 2008 (when I did the master cleanse diet). I really feel like I've eaten perfectly this week. That doesn't mean that I didn't have some chocolate, because I did. It doesn't mean that I didn't have some white bread with my tuna fish yesterday, because I absolutely did. When I say eating perfectly, I mean, eating only when I felt physical hunger.

To the people out there who this in normal to, I know you don't get it. And that's ok. To those of you who know exactly what I'm talking about, then maybe you see how big this is for me. It makes me happy. It makes me feel in control. It makes me feel...well, kind of normal concerning food.

Just wanted to share and gush!!

Emotional Hunger vs Real Hunger

My breakfast this morning...double yum!

As I've been on this journey, there are a lot of things you have to sort through. One of the things within me that I am trying to honor right now is hunger.

That may sound weird, but to those of you who have not listened to your actual hunger in a long time, I think you know what I'm talking about. So much of what each human eats each day can be more emotional hunger than physical hunger.

When I suffered from my eating disorder I ignored my physical hunger so much that it just went away. My brain stopped wasting the energy to tell me my body was starving because I wasn't listening.

During the times that I have overeaten, I remember not feeling actual hunger for a really really long time because I never let my body feel it. I was eating too much and my body never got to have a break to process food, and then register an empty stomach. Have you ever had days or weeks like this? When was the last time you felt hunger and let your body just feel it for a little bit?

So, my new goal right now is to eat only when I actually feel physical hunger. This is harder than you might think because my body hasn't registered normal hunger feelings for many years. So, as I have been keeping my food journal, I'm not worried right now so much about carbs and fat and calories and all those things that get in the way. Right now my main concern is to eat only when hungry.

I encourage each of you to honor the wonder of your body by doing the same.

I'm posting a few of my recent food journals because a few of you have emailed me out of curiosity. I've been eating only when hungry. However, I'm hoping my hunger signals will improve. Just so you know, my boss/mentor looked this journal over and said that I actually wasn't eating enough, so I'm trying to see if my body can take time to adjust to a better hunger level. I think as I eat smaller meals more frequently then my metabolism with rise and I'll get more hunger feelings.

I really think another week or two of listening to my hunger will give my body the signal that it can start functioning normally in that respect. That might sound like a long time, especially when people on the biggest loser are losing double digits each week. But I'm not looking for a quick fix these days. I'm willing to put in the time, get to know my body, be kind and gentle and patient with myself. To me that's more of a revolutionary way of thinking than ANY quick fix!!

Sample Food Journals

(please note that I don't wake up until about 9:30 am each morning, and I go to bed around 1 am...I know! Crazy schedule!)

2/26/10

10:30 am—1 cup prune juice with 1 tbs spirulina

12:00 pm—2 eggs with tomatoes, spinach, fresh garlic, onion

1:00 pm—mint tea with spoon of honey and small cookie

4:00 pm—Salad: mixed greens, beets, carrot, cucumber, and rotisserie chicken. 2 tbs Caesar dressing

6:00 pm—Greek style honey flavored yogurt

9:30 pm—one apple

Supplements: fiber pills, garlic oil, turmeric, egg shell (pure calcium), Liquid kelp, 2 tbs apple cider vinegar in water

2/27/10

11:00 am—1 mango with ½ fresh lime squeezed over it, 1 banana

1:30 pm—mint tea, 1 tsp honey

2:30 pm—water with ½ lemon squeezed into it

3:30 pm—Salad: mixed greens, beets, carrot, cucumber, and rotisserie chicken. 2 tbs Caesar dressing

5:30 pm—small handful of almonds, 1 square of chocolat

6:15 pm—small handful of nuts, 1 glass milk

8:00 pm—cheese burger (gourmet from the best Swiss cows!), 15 fries, small salad (a work dinner with my patient)

Supplements: fiber pills, garlic oil, turmeric, egg shell (pure calcium), Liquid kelp, 2 tbs apple cider vinegar in water

3/2/10

11:00 am—1 plum, 1 natural yogurt (bio), 1 handful blueberries

1:00 pm—1 cup tea with 1 tsp honey and a dash of peppermint essential oil

3:00 pm—orange

4:00 pm—apple

5:30 pm—2 slices of brown bread (with nuts and oats) with 2 tbs organic peanut butter and 2 tbs strawberry jam.

6:30 pm—lavender tea (no honey) one square chocolate

8:00 pm—1/2 pita with hummus

9:30 pm—1 bell pepper stuffed with tuna (and mayo) and grilled with small slice of gouda on it

Supplements: fiber pills, garlic oil, turmeric, egg shell (pure calcium), Liquid kelp, 2 tbs apple cider vinegar in water

Food Journal

I have to confess. Not that that is anything new, that's what the whole blog is about. But I have to confess that while this blog is super good for my super health....I hesitate putting goals on it, because, well, who am I to give advice? There is always this underlying fear (which I am slowly working on getting rid of) that all the things I have tried before won't work and I'll be in the same place as I have been before. But, I'm really tired of fear. So tired of it that I just don't want to allow it in my life anymore.

I have a hard time being vulnerable. I am a perfectionist. I don't like admitting that I have problems or that I may need help. I have a hard time trusting people. But on Wednesday, I reached out to someone. It's my boss, the most loving woman I've ever met. She's helped so many people heal and be well from mental and eating disorders. I asked her for help. This was hard to do, because I work for her. My brain and self is supposed to be pretty secure and solid. My job depends on it. I told her that I was really trying, but that it's been about two months and not a change on the scale.

She asked me a question that has been ringing in my ears,

"Are you really trying?"

To some that can seem harsh, but to me, it was a wake up call. Was I really trying...or was I still making some familiar excuses? I decided to take some serious action. I asked her if I could journal all the food I eat and all the emotions along with it and show it to her each week. Her opinion means a lot. I trust her more than I trust most people. It was a scary thing asking for that help, because it was admitting that I have felt a little helpless lately.

The amazing thing that happened is that as soon as I started writing down everything I ate, it immediately got better. Knowing someone I admire and trust so much was going to read over it and look at it has made me almost eat in a perfect way. Because, honestly, I know how to eat. Don't we all? I know what to eat and when and how much, but a lot of the time as you rush through your day you aren't aware, you are busy, you didn't shop right, you gave in because of emotions...

I can honestly say I've been eating perfectly healthy and it hasn't even seemed hard. I've made smarter decisions in my meal choices and in my shopping. I've avoided trendy diets (like getting rid of all carbs or something, which really isn't healthy) and I've not made excuses. And my chocolate consumption is almost non-existent, but I'm not missing it much. It just feels good to have someone to be accountable to and someone to trust and someone to lean on. I've been trying to handle all the emotional issues by myself for so long that I never knew how nice help could be.

If I can help ANY of you in ANY way, please let me know. I'd love to share what I learn from my boss, I would love to look over any of your journals or just be a listening ear. If you think it would help for me to put some of my food journal online so you can see it, I totally will.

I think there is something brave in taking accountability for your actions...and what we put in our mouths each day is something I want to be accountable for.

Just Relax

One thing that has to be apart of daily life is the ability to be yourself and to have your moments of zen and calm.

One of my worries about starting this blog was that I might call too much attention to sickness and things going wrong, instead of focusing on health, wisdom, and how perfect each of you already are. I didn't want to focus on anything else other than the love I have for myself and how I'm already pretty wonderful.

I have a problem of getting too obsessive about things. About worrying, having a goal, meeting the goal. I don't want this journey to be like that...and I think when we are talking about changing our bodies it is easy to get roped into that mentality.

So today, I took a break from all the thoughts on health, repeated that I'm already pretty perfect, and just chilled out.

Ahh.

The Journey Begins

It starts. Well, It's already started. It's been a long journey until now. I have quite the long journey behind me. And yes, it's going to be long journey ahead of me too. But, isn't life a long journey? You betcha.

You all have your journeys too. With weight. With looks. With beauty. We question. We seek. We avoid. We chase. We want to attain. We want now. We have a destination. What does your destination look like? I bet you know in your head your destination. But is IT REALLY what you want?

I had a destination in my mind at 15. That destination led to anorexia and bulimia...and probably one of the most negative times in my life.

I had a destination in my mind at 18. It was the exact opposite of what I had earlier. It lead to extra weight and lots of fear. It's taken a long time to chip away at that fear. It's not all gone even now.

I've had a destination in my mind for a long time (cough Nicole Kidman cough) but finally...over and through my training and education and reading and learning of the past two years.

Finally
Finally


The destination is not what I'm really after...or at least, it looks different than it ever has before. More important than my destination is the journey...every single day...of being my best self.

I thought of putting up some of my goals here. And I will. I thought maybe I should tell you how much weight I want to lose. Though, I'm debating what the right number is for me. In fact, I'm debating whether or not to put a number on it at all. I thought of posting the photo of the bathing suit I want to wear the next time I sit at the beach. And well, maybe I will, but maybe I won't get that suit either.

I do, however, want to be real. I want to discuss the science behind our minds and why it's so hard to change.

I'm going to be super vulnerable about the battle of my every day brain and the fights that go on...every single time I eat.

So, if you're ready for that. Well, then let the journey begin. Glad you could join me.