Conflict Resolution

Valentine's was interesting. I teach at a high school. So, at 33, to sit and watch these young, fresh, vibrant, perfect girls get candy and chocolate and balloons and stuffed animals was a bit hard for my spinster self. But I didn't let it get me down. I don't know what the hell I would do with a stuffed animal if I got it anyway. Goodness, I dislike all the typical "hallmark" gifts (besides chocolate). For me, a romantic day would be about gentle touches, shared laughter, a shared bathtub, shared bodies, and maybe a thoughtful gift. 

I don't have anyone to share this 14th with, but I will next year, so it's all ok. I had myself. I went grocery shopping on Valentine's Day. It was the best way to love myself. I hate grocery shopping. I feel overwhelmed by what I SHOULD buy, I worry about buying too much and not making the right choices, I try to avoid aisles with my trigger foods in them. I try to not go hungry. I have a bad habit of not having food in my house. I don't know what this is all about, but I'm sure it has to do with the fact that food and I have a tough relationship and with all things hard, we try to avoid conflict. So, when I don't have food in the house, I don't have to hate the food. It's weird. I know. 

One of my main goals this year is to actually PLAN and SHOP and FEED myself like normal people do. Screw perfection, I just want to feel normal. So, I did that on Valentine's Day. As I walked up and down the aisles, there were a lot of older single ladies there. Lots of OLD ones. Like 80. I helped a sweet one reach for her wheat thins on a shelf she couldn't reach. It didn't depress me. It just made me feel like part of the human race. And part of that race is slowing down and feeding yourself. I think, too often, we go on autopilot with our individual nourishment. 

After shopping, I came home and prepared my breakfast and lunch for the next three days.

And. Well. They've been good days.

Simply Raw

I have been thinking more and more that I simply need to do this. Now. Stop waiting. Just do it. Go raw. As soon as I get my own home and have a kitchen and am able to prepare food again. I'm going to do it. I'd love to have a small community of people who wanted to try it with me!

Acupuncture--for the first time!

I decided to try acupuncture last week. A friend of mine goes often and says that it has changed her life.

I wasn't sure what to expect or what to look for. I went and the doctor started by taking my pulse--from that he knew I hadn't been sleeping enough (though the bags under my eyes, I think, could have told him that). He then looked at my tongue and said, "You're allergic to wheat, dairy, and sugar."

I had mixed reactions to that.

Reaction #1: Yep, I figured, all these years of achy joints, runny nose, clogged ears, and no energy--it makes sense.

Reaction #2: Holy shit--that means no more pizza, ice cream, or chocolate. What am I going to do! Ah! I have big emotional connections to those foods and they are just plain good! I'll never be satisfied again!

Reaction #3: Is this what I need to finally get healthy? This is a long journey...how can I follow through with all of this? Do I have the emotional energy to do all this stuff?

Then he put me on a table, stuck a bunch of needles in me, and I laid there for twenty minutes trying to figure out how to really change my life---realizing that, for the most part, I feel like I'm at the very, very, very beginning once again!

So--gluten free, dairy free, and sugar free.

I seriously don't know how to eat that way, but I'm going to start learning.

Emotions, Foods, Addictions, and Trying again

I'm back to blogging, and I'm getting back to taking care of myself. The last several months have been hard for me. I've been homeless for a large part of the time--staying on my sister's couch, a friends spare bed, and living out of a suitcase and my car. My life, which seemed so glamorous to many, quickly became one that no one would envy.

I haven't blogged on here, for a large part, because I'm embarrassed that I started eating fast food again, that I haven't really made time to exercise, that I have been overeating again, that I've been a bit of an emotional mess. To admit how hard it has been for me to eat healthy is hard for me, but then I realized that this blog is about being real. Very real.

The emotional trauma of my past job has made me seek out the place where I always just feel good--eating. Trying to find a replacement has been hard. Trying to keep changing those thoughts, has been hard. And when you entertain the thoughts you've always entertained, then you slip into all the old habits you've tried to change.

So, here's to starting again. Starting fresh. Being optimistic. Keeping hope alive. And not giving up.

Here we go again!

Pretty Fantastic!

Becoming more aware is a path that you have to choose consciously. I think, at least for me, there are issues I have had my ENTIRE life--a negative tape player in my mind--that I never really thought I would ever get rid of. Much of it centered around food addictions/ purging/starving and all manner of eating disorders that I have had. After a lot of thinking, I can pretty much tell where most of it came from. While I blame no one, I see that certain things in my life triggered my brain to form in certain ways to protect itself.

I think we have all done that in some way or other. These protective measures are things that we might not even be aware of. Lately, however, with certain patients in my job, I have seen them manifest in ways that I have used myself and ways that I have not. Bingeing, purging, starving, stuffing, cutting, extreme exercise, compulsive behavior, OCD, money issues, fear, panic, anxiety and an array of other self-destructive hurt.

These measures seem far from protective when you think logically about them--but that is what I have always known--the stream of thoughts in my mind were NOT logical and that is why I always felt so strongly that no one would really understand this voice in my head--and the only tool I had to battle it was the other voice that WAS logical. I could only get rid of it with MY logic. And, that just didn't work. My journey has been one of two minds. I have had a positive voice and a negative, illogical voice--both trying to be the winner.

I'm a smart girl. Things in my life have worked well for the most part. I have a stellar education, perfect grades, and excelled at all I tried--photography, writing, painting, directing, singing, acting, traveling, adventure, helping, teaching, public speaking, debate and the like. I say this with no ego present. I say it standing outside of myself and looking back at my life and realizing that I was LOGICALLY trying to prove my worth and importance to a world that I felt did not see me as worthy or important. In the end, the approval I received for my successes never felt enough because I did not feel enough. I felt plagued with negativity. I felt constantly abused by the illogical thoughts I let circulate again and again in my head.

I am healing. I am learning to change these thoughts--you've seen the slow progress I've been trying to make that last few months.

Again, I understand that what I am saying does not make sense, but it is the truth behind my sensitivity. Many people lead lives like this. Lives that appear normal, happy, full, and wonderful. Mine has been on MANY, MANY, MANY levels. I have fought that negative voice and won most of the time--but I never imagined what a life WITHOUT the negative voice would be like. I really didn't know. I have gone back and forth between convincing myself that all people struggled with that negative voice in their head--and the opposite, that no one did.

Now I know that I can be without it. I'm not completely without it yet, but I am getting there. The level of freedom my mind has experienced the past month without the constant food obsessions flashing red across my brain have given me a level of hope for normalcy that I never dared dream.

It's pretty fantastic.

Completely Amazed

(Totally random photo that came up when I searched for an image with "thought clouds above head"--sometimes I think this is what some of my thoughts look like.)

It's been awhile since I've REALLY written what is going on. It's still a battle. Some days are easier, and some days, like today, are a lot harder.

Do you know what is funny? I feel like I have so many different forms of advice that I have heard over the years, and I find myself still trying to incorporate all of them in various ways.

Think positively!

Think thin thoughts!

Will power!

Just don't eat that chocolate!

Be strong!

Why, oh why do you actually WANT a second helping of food when you know that it is not good for you?

Get a hobby!

Take a walk every time you want to overeat!

Comfort yourself in other ways!

Get up early and have a good start to your day!

Eat a healthy breakfast.

Carbs are bad!!!!

Carbs are good!

Certain carbs are bad and certain carbs are good!!!!!!

Is this a good carb?

I don't really like meat.

Meat is a healthy protein.

Pork causes parasites!

Eat every two hours!

Only eat three meals a day!

Eat grains in the morning!

Only eat protein in the morning!

Don't drink with your meals!

You should exercise longer!!

You should be gentle with yourself.

Be harder on yourself and get more done!

And on, and on, and on.

Is anyone else like this? I have found, this week, that I haven't made big changes to anything. I am eating relatively healthy. Yesterday, Easter, I was a little homesick and probably ate more food and chocolate than my body really needed--but mostly, I've been going about like normal and just being in a STATE of COMPLETE amazement at just how many, how often, and how annoying all these thoughts are. How did they get in my head? Is it because I have read too many health magazines, blogs, books, and listened to too many tv shows, gurus, and the like?

I keep feeling, somehow, deep inside, that I instinctively know what is right for me--and I'm still chopping away at all the other things I've allowed to take up space in my thoughts. I am, I think, on a journey to find that inner voice and learn how to listen to it.

What about you?

My Breakfast is RAW!

Yum. I've been trying to delight, savor, and enjoy the times I am eating my food. I try to stay present in each meal. I try NOT to think or obsess about what I will eat and when I will eat it. I have a tendency, with so much of my time in life, to have a constant worry about when to eat, what to eat, will I over eat, will I under eat, why am I eating...and on and on and on.

I'm trying to get those thoughts out of my head. I'm trying, hard, to just eat simple meals that don't trigger anything in me (over eating) and that taste divine.

Breakfast this morning--freshly sliced mango with a sweet, fresh lime squeezed over it--all designed on a beautiful white plate.

Eating is Fun.

Tomatoes provided by Spain

Mozzarella provided by Italy

Basil provided by France

All eaten for lunch two days in a row--in Switzerland.

Yum. Eating is fun.

Grocery Shopping

Today I walked my regular four + miles and it felt good. It felt familiar. As I was walking, there were several joggers passing me by. I admired the way they ran, the way their bodies moved in sync with their heart beats. I use to run. I loved it. I loved the feeling when I was done. I loved the way my body felt. I loved the happiness it brought me. It's been a long time since I have run. It's been 15 years.

I decided that it would be pretty incredible if I could run 6-8 miles a day as a part of my daily life. What if I could do that in about an hour time period, and what if I could be in a beautiful place when I did it? I really wanted this to become my reality. I realized, with a sigh, how far away that goal seems for me...but I wanted to bring it closer. So, to bring it closer, I decided to walk for 7 miles instead of 4. And I did. And it took a long time, because I can't speed walk for 7 miles...I just walk walk. The whole time I walked, I imagined the time when I would run the same distance.

Then I went to the grocery store. I don't know if it's habit. I don't know if it was cravings. I sometimes get in this stubborn state where I feel like I should be able to eat whatever I want and not feel bad about it. I took a shopping cart and I went around the store. I put in that frozen pizza that I wanted yesterday, I put in creme brulee, I put in some crackers (that I promised myself I wouldn't eat anymore), I put in some pudding. I put healthy things in too. But when I looked at my basket, I knew it was full of trigger foods and possible bingeing items.

I went to the check out line. I stood there. I fought the same battle I fought yesterday. Somehow I thought that fighting it yesterday would mean that I wouldn't have to fight it today. But, I had to fight it and fight it harder because this time I had the food right in my hand.

I got out of the line. I walked back through the grocery store and put everything back. EVERYTHING. And then I got out of there. I was NOT in the right frame of mind to grocery shop. So I left until I was. After the drive up the mountain, I felt better. I went into another grocery store and bought the things that I knew I REALLY wanted and that were good for me.