Today I walked my regular four + miles and it felt good. It felt familiar. As I was walking, there were several joggers passing me by. I admired the way they ran, the way their bodies moved in sync with their heart beats. I use to run. I loved it. I loved the feeling when I was done. I loved the way my body felt. I loved the happiness it brought me. It's been a long time since I have run. It's been 15 years.
I decided that it would be pretty incredible if I could run 6-8 miles a day as a part of my daily life. What if I could do that in about an hour time period, and what if I could be in a beautiful place when I did it? I really wanted this to become my reality. I realized, with a sigh, how far away that goal seems for me...but I wanted to bring it closer. So, to bring it closer, I decided to walk for 7 miles instead of 4. And I did. And it took a long time, because I can't speed walk for 7 miles...I just walk walk. The whole time I walked, I imagined the time when I would run the same distance.
Then I went to the grocery store. I don't know if it's habit. I don't know if it was cravings. I sometimes get in this stubborn state where I feel like I should be able to eat whatever I want and not feel bad about it. I took a shopping cart and I went around the store. I put in that frozen pizza that I wanted yesterday, I put in creme brulee, I put in some crackers (that I promised myself I wouldn't eat anymore), I put in some pudding. I put healthy things in too. But when I looked at my basket, I knew it was full of trigger foods and possible bingeing items.
I went to the check out line. I stood there. I fought the same battle I fought yesterday. Somehow I thought that fighting it yesterday would mean that I wouldn't have to fight it today. But, I had to fight it and fight it harder because this time I had the food right in my hand.
I got out of the line. I walked back through the grocery store and put everything back. EVERYTHING. And then I got out of there. I was NOT in the right frame of mind to grocery shop. So I left until I was. After the drive up the mountain, I felt better. I went into another grocery store and bought the things that I knew I REALLY wanted and that were good for me.
2 comments:
I have the same fantasies about running. I, too, have taken a hiatus. BUT, I'm back at it tomorrow! Also, you have a tremendous amount of inner strength and respect for your body's health. I really admire that.
I'm with you about running. Even though, I was never a runner, lately, I've been having the urge. My husband runs all the time and would love for me to join him. I think it's because I have stories that I'm going to tear up my knees and hips if I do. However, my body seems to want it.
I'm know it probably took a lot for you put all the food back. I know I would rationalize it by putting back 1 or 2 things. I'm inspired by your strength.
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