May I Be Frank?

May I Be Frank documents the transformation of Frank Ferrante’s life. Frank
is 54 years old, obese, depressed and addicted. He stumbles into a local
raw, organic and vegan restaurant in San Francisco, Café Gratitude.  When
Ryland, a server at Café Gratitude asks Frank “What is one thing you want to
do before you die?” Frank replies, “I want to fall in love one more time,
but no one will love me looking the way I do”.

Ryland, his brother Cary, and Conor, his best friend, are inspired by the
possibility of helping Frank.  For the next 42 days, Frank will eat only raw
food, practice gratitude, visit local holistic practitioners, and get a
weekly colonic.  Ryland, Conor, and Cary get to support Frank’s miraculous
transformation.  Frank gets a new body, a clearer mind, and most
importantly, a soaring spirit.  May I Be Frank documents the essence of the
human condition and what it truly means to fall in love again.

Emotions, Foods, Addictions, and Trying again

I'm back to blogging, and I'm getting back to taking care of myself. The last several months have been hard for me. I've been homeless for a large part of the time--staying on my sister's couch, a friends spare bed, and living out of a suitcase and my car. My life, which seemed so glamorous to many, quickly became one that no one would envy.

I haven't blogged on here, for a large part, because I'm embarrassed that I started eating fast food again, that I haven't really made time to exercise, that I have been overeating again, that I've been a bit of an emotional mess. To admit how hard it has been for me to eat healthy is hard for me, but then I realized that this blog is about being real. Very real.

The emotional trauma of my past job has made me seek out the place where I always just feel good--eating. Trying to find a replacement has been hard. Trying to keep changing those thoughts, has been hard. And when you entertain the thoughts you've always entertained, then you slip into all the old habits you've tried to change.

So, here's to starting again. Starting fresh. Being optimistic. Keeping hope alive. And not giving up.

Here we go again!

Pretty Fantastic!

Becoming more aware is a path that you have to choose consciously. I think, at least for me, there are issues I have had my ENTIRE life--a negative tape player in my mind--that I never really thought I would ever get rid of. Much of it centered around food addictions/ purging/starving and all manner of eating disorders that I have had. After a lot of thinking, I can pretty much tell where most of it came from. While I blame no one, I see that certain things in my life triggered my brain to form in certain ways to protect itself.

I think we have all done that in some way or other. These protective measures are things that we might not even be aware of. Lately, however, with certain patients in my job, I have seen them manifest in ways that I have used myself and ways that I have not. Bingeing, purging, starving, stuffing, cutting, extreme exercise, compulsive behavior, OCD, money issues, fear, panic, anxiety and an array of other self-destructive hurt.

These measures seem far from protective when you think logically about them--but that is what I have always known--the stream of thoughts in my mind were NOT logical and that is why I always felt so strongly that no one would really understand this voice in my head--and the only tool I had to battle it was the other voice that WAS logical. I could only get rid of it with MY logic. And, that just didn't work. My journey has been one of two minds. I have had a positive voice and a negative, illogical voice--both trying to be the winner.

I'm a smart girl. Things in my life have worked well for the most part. I have a stellar education, perfect grades, and excelled at all I tried--photography, writing, painting, directing, singing, acting, traveling, adventure, helping, teaching, public speaking, debate and the like. I say this with no ego present. I say it standing outside of myself and looking back at my life and realizing that I was LOGICALLY trying to prove my worth and importance to a world that I felt did not see me as worthy or important. In the end, the approval I received for my successes never felt enough because I did not feel enough. I felt plagued with negativity. I felt constantly abused by the illogical thoughts I let circulate again and again in my head.

I am healing. I am learning to change these thoughts--you've seen the slow progress I've been trying to make that last few months.

Again, I understand that what I am saying does not make sense, but it is the truth behind my sensitivity. Many people lead lives like this. Lives that appear normal, happy, full, and wonderful. Mine has been on MANY, MANY, MANY levels. I have fought that negative voice and won most of the time--but I never imagined what a life WITHOUT the negative voice would be like. I really didn't know. I have gone back and forth between convincing myself that all people struggled with that negative voice in their head--and the opposite, that no one did.

Now I know that I can be without it. I'm not completely without it yet, but I am getting there. The level of freedom my mind has experienced the past month without the constant food obsessions flashing red across my brain have given me a level of hope for normalcy that I never dared dream.

It's pretty fantastic.

Grocery Shopping

Today I walked my regular four + miles and it felt good. It felt familiar. As I was walking, there were several joggers passing me by. I admired the way they ran, the way their bodies moved in sync with their heart beats. I use to run. I loved it. I loved the feeling when I was done. I loved the way my body felt. I loved the happiness it brought me. It's been a long time since I have run. It's been 15 years.

I decided that it would be pretty incredible if I could run 6-8 miles a day as a part of my daily life. What if I could do that in about an hour time period, and what if I could be in a beautiful place when I did it? I really wanted this to become my reality. I realized, with a sigh, how far away that goal seems for me...but I wanted to bring it closer. So, to bring it closer, I decided to walk for 7 miles instead of 4. And I did. And it took a long time, because I can't speed walk for 7 miles...I just walk walk. The whole time I walked, I imagined the time when I would run the same distance.

Then I went to the grocery store. I don't know if it's habit. I don't know if it was cravings. I sometimes get in this stubborn state where I feel like I should be able to eat whatever I want and not feel bad about it. I took a shopping cart and I went around the store. I put in that frozen pizza that I wanted yesterday, I put in creme brulee, I put in some crackers (that I promised myself I wouldn't eat anymore), I put in some pudding. I put healthy things in too. But when I looked at my basket, I knew it was full of trigger foods and possible bingeing items.

I went to the check out line. I stood there. I fought the same battle I fought yesterday. Somehow I thought that fighting it yesterday would mean that I wouldn't have to fight it today. But, I had to fight it and fight it harder because this time I had the food right in my hand.

I got out of the line. I walked back through the grocery store and put everything back. EVERYTHING. And then I got out of there. I was NOT in the right frame of mind to grocery shop. So I left until I was. After the drive up the mountain, I felt better. I went into another grocery store and bought the things that I knew I REALLY wanted and that were good for me.

Emotional Hunger vs Real Hunger

My breakfast this morning...double yum!

As I've been on this journey, there are a lot of things you have to sort through. One of the things within me that I am trying to honor right now is hunger.

That may sound weird, but to those of you who have not listened to your actual hunger in a long time, I think you know what I'm talking about. So much of what each human eats each day can be more emotional hunger than physical hunger.

When I suffered from my eating disorder I ignored my physical hunger so much that it just went away. My brain stopped wasting the energy to tell me my body was starving because I wasn't listening.

During the times that I have overeaten, I remember not feeling actual hunger for a really really long time because I never let my body feel it. I was eating too much and my body never got to have a break to process food, and then register an empty stomach. Have you ever had days or weeks like this? When was the last time you felt hunger and let your body just feel it for a little bit?

So, my new goal right now is to eat only when I actually feel physical hunger. This is harder than you might think because my body hasn't registered normal hunger feelings for many years. So, as I have been keeping my food journal, I'm not worried right now so much about carbs and fat and calories and all those things that get in the way. Right now my main concern is to eat only when hungry.

I encourage each of you to honor the wonder of your body by doing the same.

I'm posting a few of my recent food journals because a few of you have emailed me out of curiosity. I've been eating only when hungry. However, I'm hoping my hunger signals will improve. Just so you know, my boss/mentor looked this journal over and said that I actually wasn't eating enough, so I'm trying to see if my body can take time to adjust to a better hunger level. I think as I eat smaller meals more frequently then my metabolism with rise and I'll get more hunger feelings.

I really think another week or two of listening to my hunger will give my body the signal that it can start functioning normally in that respect. That might sound like a long time, especially when people on the biggest loser are losing double digits each week. But I'm not looking for a quick fix these days. I'm willing to put in the time, get to know my body, be kind and gentle and patient with myself. To me that's more of a revolutionary way of thinking than ANY quick fix!!

Sample Food Journals

(please note that I don't wake up until about 9:30 am each morning, and I go to bed around 1 am...I know! Crazy schedule!)

2/26/10

10:30 am—1 cup prune juice with 1 tbs spirulina

12:00 pm—2 eggs with tomatoes, spinach, fresh garlic, onion

1:00 pm—mint tea with spoon of honey and small cookie

4:00 pm—Salad: mixed greens, beets, carrot, cucumber, and rotisserie chicken. 2 tbs Caesar dressing

6:00 pm—Greek style honey flavored yogurt

9:30 pm—one apple

Supplements: fiber pills, garlic oil, turmeric, egg shell (pure calcium), Liquid kelp, 2 tbs apple cider vinegar in water

2/27/10

11:00 am—1 mango with ½ fresh lime squeezed over it, 1 banana

1:30 pm—mint tea, 1 tsp honey

2:30 pm—water with ½ lemon squeezed into it

3:30 pm—Salad: mixed greens, beets, carrot, cucumber, and rotisserie chicken. 2 tbs Caesar dressing

5:30 pm—small handful of almonds, 1 square of chocolat

6:15 pm—small handful of nuts, 1 glass milk

8:00 pm—cheese burger (gourmet from the best Swiss cows!), 15 fries, small salad (a work dinner with my patient)

Supplements: fiber pills, garlic oil, turmeric, egg shell (pure calcium), Liquid kelp, 2 tbs apple cider vinegar in water

3/2/10

11:00 am—1 plum, 1 natural yogurt (bio), 1 handful blueberries

1:00 pm—1 cup tea with 1 tsp honey and a dash of peppermint essential oil

3:00 pm—orange

4:00 pm—apple

5:30 pm—2 slices of brown bread (with nuts and oats) with 2 tbs organic peanut butter and 2 tbs strawberry jam.

6:30 pm—lavender tea (no honey) one square chocolate

8:00 pm—1/2 pita with hummus

9:30 pm—1 bell pepper stuffed with tuna (and mayo) and grilled with small slice of gouda on it

Supplements: fiber pills, garlic oil, turmeric, egg shell (pure calcium), Liquid kelp, 2 tbs apple cider vinegar in water

Alternatives

I have a stumbling block. It probably echoes yours, in a way...especially if your brain has been wired like mine.

Here is a typical scenario when I binge eat. I get in a state of IGNORING the inner thoughts that tell me I shouldn't do this to my body. I choose to LISTEN to the other part (what I now call the negative mind) that tells me that I need this food, I want this food, being full is so great, this will be the last time, I'll do better tomorrow, if I just eat this up right now it won't be here tomorrow and then I can start FRESH and CLEAN and NEW and I will be ready to change then.

I ALWAYS:

1. Tell myself I will do better at a certain time in the future (even if it's only a few hours in the future)

2. CANNOT handle having left overs in my house. If I just went out to eat with someone and took left overs home...as SOON as that person leaves and I am alone, I will EAT (stuff them into my poor stomach when I'm not the least bit hungry) all of the left over food because I can't handle the thought of it being there tomorrow for me to eat. I have to get rid of it and try to start off with a clean slate. This is totally compulsive behavior that leads me to eat an entire package of cookies, chips, or ice cream so that it won't be there "tomorrow".

3. Hide this behavior from any and all I know (except for my sister, who saw a bit of what I went through, but not much) and pretend that food and I are completely normal with each other and that there is no LOGICAL reason why I carry around extra weight because I'm really a healthy person.

Now, on good days, I can really eat like a normal person. But I averaged about two to three binge nights per week. This is when I don't eat food at all during the day (at work) and then on my way home stop at three different restaurants/stores to get food and sweets to go home and stuff myself with all night long until I can hardly move, think, act, engage and etc. It's pretty fucking awful.

The one moment I KNOW would change all of this is the moment leading up to the binge that hinge on my thoughts. When I START to make false promises to myself of doing it just for today and then tomorrow getting better. When I just eat two cookies like a normal person and then I get out of control and go back eating more and more even though I really don't want to.

It all hinges on the thought patterns I have created and indulged in for some sort of survival reasons I'm just figuring out.

I know that if I could just FINALLY act in a different way to the thoughts then I could create new patterns and learn to be natural and normal with food. Because, mostly, I just give in to them and I think I kind of believe I will change, because I sound so convincing in my head, but in the end, I fear I will NEVER change. I also worry of going back to these same thoughts with the opposite effect (I got as compulsive, obsessive, and even deeper unhappiness by STARVING myself for many years and I still do on and off. Though, lately, I tend to binge and purge a bit more frequently...but I've made a promise to myself NOT to do this anymore.)

So---Wow. That was intense and REALLY vulnerable for me to just write.

But, what I'm doing now, each day (because honestly, I HAVE to take this new journey ONE day at a time or it seems just TOO daunting) is to visualize alternatives to those thoughts. To visualize myself in similar situations (which it's been very helpful to move away from old habits and food addictions to a place where I don't have them) and see myself CHOOSING differently and having three alternative reactions that I can do. One of them is to write. One to walk. and the other, well, I'll explain at a different time.

What about you? Have you thought of alternatives to the destructive thoughts you allow yourself to think??