Pretty Fantastic!

Becoming more aware is a path that you have to choose consciously. I think, at least for me, there are issues I have had my ENTIRE life--a negative tape player in my mind--that I never really thought I would ever get rid of. Much of it centered around food addictions/ purging/starving and all manner of eating disorders that I have had. After a lot of thinking, I can pretty much tell where most of it came from. While I blame no one, I see that certain things in my life triggered my brain to form in certain ways to protect itself.

I think we have all done that in some way or other. These protective measures are things that we might not even be aware of. Lately, however, with certain patients in my job, I have seen them manifest in ways that I have used myself and ways that I have not. Bingeing, purging, starving, stuffing, cutting, extreme exercise, compulsive behavior, OCD, money issues, fear, panic, anxiety and an array of other self-destructive hurt.

These measures seem far from protective when you think logically about them--but that is what I have always known--the stream of thoughts in my mind were NOT logical and that is why I always felt so strongly that no one would really understand this voice in my head--and the only tool I had to battle it was the other voice that WAS logical. I could only get rid of it with MY logic. And, that just didn't work. My journey has been one of two minds. I have had a positive voice and a negative, illogical voice--both trying to be the winner.

I'm a smart girl. Things in my life have worked well for the most part. I have a stellar education, perfect grades, and excelled at all I tried--photography, writing, painting, directing, singing, acting, traveling, adventure, helping, teaching, public speaking, debate and the like. I say this with no ego present. I say it standing outside of myself and looking back at my life and realizing that I was LOGICALLY trying to prove my worth and importance to a world that I felt did not see me as worthy or important. In the end, the approval I received for my successes never felt enough because I did not feel enough. I felt plagued with negativity. I felt constantly abused by the illogical thoughts I let circulate again and again in my head.

I am healing. I am learning to change these thoughts--you've seen the slow progress I've been trying to make that last few months.

Again, I understand that what I am saying does not make sense, but it is the truth behind my sensitivity. Many people lead lives like this. Lives that appear normal, happy, full, and wonderful. Mine has been on MANY, MANY, MANY levels. I have fought that negative voice and won most of the time--but I never imagined what a life WITHOUT the negative voice would be like. I really didn't know. I have gone back and forth between convincing myself that all people struggled with that negative voice in their head--and the opposite, that no one did.

Now I know that I can be without it. I'm not completely without it yet, but I am getting there. The level of freedom my mind has experienced the past month without the constant food obsessions flashing red across my brain have given me a level of hope for normalcy that I never dared dream.

It's pretty fantastic.