Foxy

Yesterday on my hike I saw something rare and beautiful...a sweet little silver fox walked along my path with me for a bit. She was silky and smooth and beautiful. And she looked right at me. She stopped. I stopped. Our eyes met. I was alone in the woods, like usual. I was red-faced and a little out of breath, like usual. And there she was, smiling a foxy smile at me. It made me happy.

As I pressed on I realized that my time in the Alps, these four months, end in only three weeks. In three weeks it is on to a much more pressing schedule. I'll have more to do, less free time, and I will feel the effects of what "real" life does to me.

I feel a bit of fear in it. Can I still make time for myself? Can I continue on this path that I have started? My thoughts need rewiring still. I'm getting stronger, but I still have a long ways to go yet. The time for testing is coming near. The time to see if I can carry the new me into my new life.

Completely Amazed

(Totally random photo that came up when I searched for an image with "thought clouds above head"--sometimes I think this is what some of my thoughts look like.)

It's been awhile since I've REALLY written what is going on. It's still a battle. Some days are easier, and some days, like today, are a lot harder.

Do you know what is funny? I feel like I have so many different forms of advice that I have heard over the years, and I find myself still trying to incorporate all of them in various ways.

Think positively!

Think thin thoughts!

Will power!

Just don't eat that chocolate!

Be strong!

Why, oh why do you actually WANT a second helping of food when you know that it is not good for you?

Get a hobby!

Take a walk every time you want to overeat!

Comfort yourself in other ways!

Get up early and have a good start to your day!

Eat a healthy breakfast.

Carbs are bad!!!!

Carbs are good!

Certain carbs are bad and certain carbs are good!!!!!!

Is this a good carb?

I don't really like meat.

Meat is a healthy protein.

Pork causes parasites!

Eat every two hours!

Only eat three meals a day!

Eat grains in the morning!

Only eat protein in the morning!

Don't drink with your meals!

You should exercise longer!!

You should be gentle with yourself.

Be harder on yourself and get more done!

And on, and on, and on.

Is anyone else like this? I have found, this week, that I haven't made big changes to anything. I am eating relatively healthy. Yesterday, Easter, I was a little homesick and probably ate more food and chocolate than my body really needed--but mostly, I've been going about like normal and just being in a STATE of COMPLETE amazement at just how many, how often, and how annoying all these thoughts are. How did they get in my head? Is it because I have read too many health magazines, blogs, books, and listened to too many tv shows, gurus, and the like?

I keep feeling, somehow, deep inside, that I instinctively know what is right for me--and I'm still chopping away at all the other things I've allowed to take up space in my thoughts. I am, I think, on a journey to find that inner voice and learn how to listen to it.

What about you?

Inspiration

A man--handsome, strong, fit, determined--rides his bike past me each day. The first time I saw him, I did a double take...something didn't seem right. I wasn't sure if I had seen him correctly. This man has one arm. He rides faster than many of the bikers on the trail. He works hard. His balance looks more graceful than you can imagine--his bike sways farther to the left and right than if he had both arms to balance him out. He rides past me and I watch him for a minute or two before he is out of sight. He helps me put things into perspective. He creates motivation and inspiration in my life--those things, being motivated and inspired, are higher energy feelings. They make all of our atoms and cells ring at a higher frequency. They, in fact, create strength within us. I thank him for his grace and dedication.

I heard a story the other day about an event that took place at the Special Olympics. Nine children, many with Down's Syndrome, were starting off on a race around the track. The gun went off and the kids began running. One young boy tripped and fell. He didn't get up. A small girl, running her race, realized that the boy was not running. She stopped and went back to him. Soon, all the runners had seen what she saw. They stopped and returned to him as well. Then, the small girl helped up the fallen boy and linked arms with him. The rest of the kids linked arms too, until all nine of the runners had linked arms and ran across the finish line together.

No ego. No first place. No winners. No losers.

I think about this story because, more often than not, this world values ego. We place value on the thinnest model, the richest banker, the highest paid actor. Why? When we just let go, when we get quiet, when we look inside ourselves--I think we gain a level of awareness that helps us not only know how to care for ourselves, but also, instinctively, how to motivate and inspire others right along with us, so we all cross the finish line together.

Thank you all for the inspiration and love I feel from each of you. You have been supporting me during my ups and downs and I am incredibly grateful for it. Today was a day of perfect eating, perfect exercising, perfect work, and no battles in my head. It was nice to have a down day.

High Energy People

"SURROUND YOURSELF WITH HIGH-ENERGY PEOPLE! Choose to be in close proximity to people who are empowering, who appeal to your sense of connection to intention, who see the greatness in you, who feel connected to God, and who live a life that gives evidence that Spirit has found celebration through them." ~ Wayne Dyer

I've been thinking about the people in my life today. I've heard that no one is in your life who isn't supposed to be there. Do you think that is true? Right now--my life-- I spend it with three people only. Just three people. The three people are pretty remarkable people. I love them deeply. In each of their ways, they are adding so much to my life.

But, three people only--that leaves lots of time for me. Lots of time. I live a pretty solitary life right now. I'm more solitary and spend more hours alone in a day than I have ever in my ENTIRE life. And yet, I'm more at peace, more thoughtful, more creative, more more more. I look forward to it and savor it every day because I know it won't last. I rejoice in the time I have to listen to myself and speak to myself and hear myself and really dig deep on issues and set backs and old habits.

I am grateful for this time. It's not going to last much longer. Just four more weeks really. Will that be enough time to center me for the high stress and stamina I'll need at that time? I hope so. I hope I'm solidifying my foundations. I am hoping this quiet time will center and teach me to put myself first (even if it's just for ten minutes in a day) and that from that--all other things fall into place.

Alternatives

I have a stumbling block. It probably echoes yours, in a way...especially if your brain has been wired like mine.

Here is a typical scenario when I binge eat. I get in a state of IGNORING the inner thoughts that tell me I shouldn't do this to my body. I choose to LISTEN to the other part (what I now call the negative mind) that tells me that I need this food, I want this food, being full is so great, this will be the last time, I'll do better tomorrow, if I just eat this up right now it won't be here tomorrow and then I can start FRESH and CLEAN and NEW and I will be ready to change then.

I ALWAYS:

1. Tell myself I will do better at a certain time in the future (even if it's only a few hours in the future)

2. CANNOT handle having left overs in my house. If I just went out to eat with someone and took left overs home...as SOON as that person leaves and I am alone, I will EAT (stuff them into my poor stomach when I'm not the least bit hungry) all of the left over food because I can't handle the thought of it being there tomorrow for me to eat. I have to get rid of it and try to start off with a clean slate. This is totally compulsive behavior that leads me to eat an entire package of cookies, chips, or ice cream so that it won't be there "tomorrow".

3. Hide this behavior from any and all I know (except for my sister, who saw a bit of what I went through, but not much) and pretend that food and I are completely normal with each other and that there is no LOGICAL reason why I carry around extra weight because I'm really a healthy person.

Now, on good days, I can really eat like a normal person. But I averaged about two to three binge nights per week. This is when I don't eat food at all during the day (at work) and then on my way home stop at three different restaurants/stores to get food and sweets to go home and stuff myself with all night long until I can hardly move, think, act, engage and etc. It's pretty fucking awful.

The one moment I KNOW would change all of this is the moment leading up to the binge that hinge on my thoughts. When I START to make false promises to myself of doing it just for today and then tomorrow getting better. When I just eat two cookies like a normal person and then I get out of control and go back eating more and more even though I really don't want to.

It all hinges on the thought patterns I have created and indulged in for some sort of survival reasons I'm just figuring out.

I know that if I could just FINALLY act in a different way to the thoughts then I could create new patterns and learn to be natural and normal with food. Because, mostly, I just give in to them and I think I kind of believe I will change, because I sound so convincing in my head, but in the end, I fear I will NEVER change. I also worry of going back to these same thoughts with the opposite effect (I got as compulsive, obsessive, and even deeper unhappiness by STARVING myself for many years and I still do on and off. Though, lately, I tend to binge and purge a bit more frequently...but I've made a promise to myself NOT to do this anymore.)

So---Wow. That was intense and REALLY vulnerable for me to just write.

But, what I'm doing now, each day (because honestly, I HAVE to take this new journey ONE day at a time or it seems just TOO daunting) is to visualize alternatives to those thoughts. To visualize myself in similar situations (which it's been very helpful to move away from old habits and food addictions to a place where I don't have them) and see myself CHOOSING differently and having three alternative reactions that I can do. One of them is to write. One to walk. and the other, well, I'll explain at a different time.

What about you? Have you thought of alternatives to the destructive thoughts you allow yourself to think??

Hello Stomach

This morning I did something I haven't really done very often. I had a conversation with my body. I did a 40 minute guided meditation and actually connected with my body in a way I can hardly explain. It was FREAKING AWESOME!!!! The meditation came from a CD that was in a book I recently bought called:

Body Mind Balancing: Using Your Mind to Heal Your Body by OSHO

The meditation led me to relax and listen to my body and to then have a conversation (yes, it was partially outloud...sounds strange, I know) with the parts I felt drawn to speak to. I went for it. I had a ten minute conversation with my stomach, kidneys, and colon. These are the parts that I felt most drawn to and the parts that I felt have suffered the most from my eating disorders. There are many times when I have stuffed or starved my poor stomach in ways that are far beyond cruel. When I treat my stomach this way, my kidneys and colon have to bare the after affects of processing all the crap I've put into myself or the lack of food I've NOT put in. In both extremes, my kidneys and colon have been stressed, irregular, hurt, exhausted, stretched, full and even hungry at various times.

It was a really weird thing, but I don't think I've connected with my body like that before. I mean, I was almost talking to my stomach like it was an entity with feelings and desires. And the thing is, since it is part of me, I think that it is. I think my stomach wants the right amount of food in it. It wants to feel comfortable. It wants to be able to perform it's job in all the glory it's supposed to. When I stuff it or starve it, I'm really hurting it's higher purpose and function (and thus, I'm hurting my higher purpose and function).

The meditation went on to have you address an issue your body is suffering from (I chose weight) and then it had you call that issue your "Guardian" because for some reason or other your issues has come out of some part of you that is trying to protect you from something. It has you think about these issues and then think about the ways you deal with these issues and make three alternative ways for you to deal with the issue (over/irregular/not eating for me).

It was REALLY fantastic and put me in a great mood for my day and also more in connection with my dear stomach, who I want to treat with love and kindness.

I have lots more to say on this and I'll do it slowly. But for now, this could be a great book for many of you to check out!