I have a stumbling block. It probably echoes yours, in a way...especially if your brain has been wired like mine.
Here is a typical scenario when I binge eat. I get in a state of IGNORING the inner thoughts that tell me I shouldn't do this to my body. I choose to LISTEN to the other part (what I now call the negative mind) that tells me that I need this food, I want this food, being full is so great, this will be the last time, I'll do better tomorrow, if I just eat this up right now it won't be here tomorrow and then I can start FRESH and CLEAN and NEW and I will be ready to change then.
I ALWAYS:
1. Tell myself I will do better at a certain time in the future (even if it's only a few hours in the future)
2. CANNOT handle having left overs in my house. If I just went out to eat with someone and took left overs home...as SOON as that person leaves and I am alone, I will EAT (stuff them into my poor stomach when I'm not the least bit hungry) all of the left over food because I can't handle the thought of it being there tomorrow for me to eat. I have to get rid of it and try to start off with a clean slate. This is totally compulsive behavior that leads me to eat an entire package of cookies, chips, or ice cream so that it won't be there "tomorrow".
3. Hide this behavior from any and all I know (except for my sister, who saw a bit of what I went through, but not much) and pretend that food and I are completely normal with each other and that there is no LOGICAL reason why I carry around extra weight because I'm really a healthy person.
Now, on good days, I can really eat like a normal person. But I averaged about two to three binge nights per week. This is when I don't eat food at all during the day (at work) and then on my way home stop at three different restaurants/stores to get food and sweets to go home and stuff myself with all night long until I can hardly move, think, act, engage and etc. It's pretty fucking awful.
The one moment I KNOW would change all of this is the moment leading up to the binge that hinge on my thoughts. When I START to make false promises to myself of doing it just for today and then tomorrow getting better. When I just eat two cookies like a normal person and then I get out of control and go back eating more and more even though I really don't want to.
It all hinges on the thought patterns I have created and indulged in for some sort of survival reasons I'm just figuring out.
I know that if I could just FINALLY act in a different way to the thoughts then I could create new patterns and learn to be natural and normal with food. Because, mostly, I just give in to them and I think I kind of believe I will change, because I sound so convincing in my head, but in the end, I fear I will NEVER change. I also worry of going back to these same thoughts with the opposite effect (I got as compulsive, obsessive, and even deeper unhappiness by STARVING myself for many years and I still do on and off. Though, lately, I tend to binge and purge a bit more frequently...but I've made a promise to myself NOT to do this anymore.)
So---Wow. That was intense and REALLY vulnerable for me to just write.
But, what I'm doing now, each day (because honestly, I HAVE to take this new journey ONE day at a time or it seems just TOO daunting) is to visualize alternatives to those thoughts. To visualize myself in similar situations (which it's been very helpful to move away from old habits and food addictions to a place where I don't have them) and see myself CHOOSING differently and having three alternative reactions that I can do. One of them is to write. One to walk. and the other, well, I'll explain at a different time.
What about you? Have you thought of alternatives to the destructive thoughts you allow yourself to think??
5 comments:
Thanks for sharing this. I think you're headed in the right direction and you are right. You don't get this done by thinking big. If you think I can never eat anything unhealthy again that is just too overwhelming and that will lead you straight to the bad behavior. Think small. Think today you don't have to do that. A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step. Take that step. Keep blogging my frend, you have a light and life that we all need to see.
Yay Steller Stella!
So one thing that I struggled with hit both my tummy and my bank account... I ate out WAY too often. I would get home from work, tired and HUN-GRY! Because I was so hungry (usually because my sugar levels are so low from not eating anything between lunch and dinner) I wanted to eat RIGHT THEN, instead of waiting 30-60 minutes cooking something.
Since this was eating away at me financially, (and who knows how many calories are in that somewhat 'healthy' veggie quiche that was soaked in butter... maybe) I figured something else out.
I started craving for french toast and I figured out how to make it more delish to my tastebuds (put a dash of vanilla extract in the wisked eggs!). When I got home I just ate two slices of french toast for at least two weeks straight. It was quick, sweet and filling (no leftovers!). Later I started to cook more complex meals that required a bit more time. Soon it got to the point that I enjoyed cooking dinner and I wanted to be daring and try new recepies (sometimes my roomie and I have to battle it out over who gets the tiny kitchen). My pantry is starting to fill up with ingrediants, rather than boxes of pre-fab corn-based food.
Because I cook it myself, I normally share the leftovers with my roomie, or invite a friend over. I hate leftovers too!
As for junk foods, I now bake my own. Rarely do I buy any from a store. I feel much more confident eating sweets made in my kitchen, with only a handful of ingredients, than the store bought kind. I don't feel as guilty if I end up binging on my creation because I know it's not full of preservatives or things that could damage my body.
Also, when it comes to making your own cookies and such... it takes work! So when I start to crave cookies and want to eat the whole batch, I have to remind myself I will have to bake more if I give in.
Great healthy recepies at 101cookbooks.com !
Thanks D! It's been a bit harder here in a country where everything is so expensive and I have a limited kitchen and I don't know the metric system and I can't find chocolate chips....but the GOOD thing with that is that my meals have taken on a simplicity that it both healthy and good to get used to. Once in Portugal, with fresh fish markets, cheaper goods and more available to me, then I can start to handle the cooking. Right now, I don't trust myself. I don't keep ANYTHING around that I can binge on. No cookies, no chips, no nothing! It's how I have to be until my brain gets a bit better.
My two cents.... I think it's a one day at a time thing.... like the 12 steppers do. Tell yourself that of COURSE you will be able to have your favorite foods but, for TODAY, you're not going to ABUSE yourself with them (which is what you're doing). You were brave to write this Stella. And your journey is already WELL under way.
I'm very proud of you, my beautiful friend.
Blasted metric system!!
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