Food Journal

I have to confess. Not that that is anything new, that's what the whole blog is about. But I have to confess that while this blog is super good for my super health....I hesitate putting goals on it, because, well, who am I to give advice? There is always this underlying fear (which I am slowly working on getting rid of) that all the things I have tried before won't work and I'll be in the same place as I have been before. But, I'm really tired of fear. So tired of it that I just don't want to allow it in my life anymore.

I have a hard time being vulnerable. I am a perfectionist. I don't like admitting that I have problems or that I may need help. I have a hard time trusting people. But on Wednesday, I reached out to someone. It's my boss, the most loving woman I've ever met. She's helped so many people heal and be well from mental and eating disorders. I asked her for help. This was hard to do, because I work for her. My brain and self is supposed to be pretty secure and solid. My job depends on it. I told her that I was really trying, but that it's been about two months and not a change on the scale.

She asked me a question that has been ringing in my ears,

"Are you really trying?"

To some that can seem harsh, but to me, it was a wake up call. Was I really trying...or was I still making some familiar excuses? I decided to take some serious action. I asked her if I could journal all the food I eat and all the emotions along with it and show it to her each week. Her opinion means a lot. I trust her more than I trust most people. It was a scary thing asking for that help, because it was admitting that I have felt a little helpless lately.

The amazing thing that happened is that as soon as I started writing down everything I ate, it immediately got better. Knowing someone I admire and trust so much was going to read over it and look at it has made me almost eat in a perfect way. Because, honestly, I know how to eat. Don't we all? I know what to eat and when and how much, but a lot of the time as you rush through your day you aren't aware, you are busy, you didn't shop right, you gave in because of emotions...

I can honestly say I've been eating perfectly healthy and it hasn't even seemed hard. I've made smarter decisions in my meal choices and in my shopping. I've avoided trendy diets (like getting rid of all carbs or something, which really isn't healthy) and I've not made excuses. And my chocolate consumption is almost non-existent, but I'm not missing it much. It just feels good to have someone to be accountable to and someone to trust and someone to lean on. I've been trying to handle all the emotional issues by myself for so long that I never knew how nice help could be.

If I can help ANY of you in ANY way, please let me know. I'd love to share what I learn from my boss, I would love to look over any of your journals or just be a listening ear. If you think it would help for me to put some of my food journal online so you can see it, I totally will.

I think there is something brave in taking accountability for your actions...and what we put in our mouths each day is something I want to be accountable for.