Thursday, February 17, 2011

Heart Shaped

Monday night I took a hot bath. Really hot. My legs got very, very red. When I lifted them out of the bath and put my legs up on the tub, I saw an upside down heart. My hips and thighs all rosy and red shaping a heart into the lengthy tips of my toes. I liked it. I liked thinking of myself as love. I like the idea of loving those hips and thighs.

And then I cried. A lot. It wasn't a sad cry or a cry for help, it was a release. I don't release a lot, but I realize, that sometimes cries are good. And they help me feel good. And sure, I indulge in tiny slivers of self pity, but then my mind becomes clear and I become more focused and I keep on.

I cried at how fragile life is. I cried because my sweet friend has cancer and chemo is kicking her ass. I cried because my other friend is suffering from anorexia so badly that she just isn't eating anymore and I don't know how to get her to eat. I cried because I am softening up and preparing to get vulnerable with the love of my life. I cried because sometimes I feel misunderstood. I cried because I miss my brother. I cried because most of my friends are married and busy and I have a lot of alone time and it sucks. I cried because I am so happy for all the blessings I have.

Then I stopped. Got out. Dried off. And went to bed.

4 comments:

Krisanne said...

So beautiful, Stella. I love this.

Hey, It's Ansley said...

I love you and your blog for putting into words things I am feeling and struggling to understand. Thanks!

LizF said...

It's very beautiful to be able to connect with yourself and others like that. Sending lots of love and light to you!

Lori said...

Beautiful Stella...a good cry like this is good for our souls...sorry about the heart aches in your life...you are an amazing woman.