Heart Shaped

Monday night I took a hot bath. Really hot. My legs got very, very red. When I lifted them out of the bath and put my legs up on the tub, I saw an upside down heart. My hips and thighs all rosy and red shaping a heart into the lengthy tips of my toes. I liked it. I liked thinking of myself as love. I like the idea of loving those hips and thighs.

And then I cried. A lot. It wasn't a sad cry or a cry for help, it was a release. I don't release a lot, but I realize, that sometimes cries are good. And they help me feel good. And sure, I indulge in tiny slivers of self pity, but then my mind becomes clear and I become more focused and I keep on.

I cried at how fragile life is. I cried because my sweet friend has cancer and chemo is kicking her ass. I cried because my other friend is suffering from anorexia so badly that she just isn't eating anymore and I don't know how to get her to eat. I cried because I am softening up and preparing to get vulnerable with the love of my life. I cried because sometimes I feel misunderstood. I cried because I miss my brother. I cried because most of my friends are married and busy and I have a lot of alone time and it sucks. I cried because I am so happy for all the blessings I have.

Then I stopped. Got out. Dried off. And went to bed.