Wednesday, January 26, 2011

No Response Needed.

I've not looked at this blog all week. I've thought of taking down the past posts. I think I say "voices" because somehow and somewhere I'd like to try and label my thoughts into categories of healthy and unhealthy. So, I give thoughts that are sad and self-deprecating a name--like "Chloe". It's not that I actually "HEAR" anything other than my own head. Does that make sense? When I start worrying if the white towels are white and straight enough on the bathroom rack, then I dub those thoughts "Penelope" and try to let those go too. Hopefully I am not on a fast track to developing multiple personality disorder. That was a joke people.

One of the most common refrains in my head is, "I'll start tomorrow." I don't know why this is the easiest lie to tell ourselves. Do you do it? We all do, don't we. I'll start tomorrow, I'll be better tomorrow, I'll do more tomorrow, I'll feel better tomorrow, I'll make it happen tomorrow.

Tomorrow has become some far off life that I want to have, but I never do, because I'm always living today. That's a cliche thought, I'm sure, but it's also a coping mechanism that I must have learned from Scarlet O'Hara.

The real threat, of course, is that if you actually DO start today--then you have to deal with the feelings of not having what you want, or feel like you need, or dealing with the anxiety of the withdrawls.

There is something spiritual to a binge and purge that I guess, for me, I act out in a physical way. I know it would be healthier to emotional purge myself of so many things, but I can't or don't or am not sure how, so maybe I punish myself by doing it on a more physical level.

Not sure.

And thanks for your support. I have formed a strong support system around me. I am putting it out of the dark and just writing here in this white space is going to be enough for me for now.


LizF said...

I think it's great that you give names for these "voices". I also think it's healthy because it sounds like you really want to distinguish them from your real, true, authentic self. At least you can be true to that. Also, deep down you really do know what you want. It just may take time to connect to it. I had some "voices" of my own, and I call it mind chatter. It's mostly negative self-talk telling me why I "should" do this, or "what if" I do this, this and that will happen.
We have to look at ourselves from the outside in sometimes. To observe what's happening around us, not necessarily to us. sorry for the rant, but I personally have connected and resonated with your previous posts.
I'm glad you have a support system around you too.
Much love,

Stella said...

Thanks so much Liz. I love your great rant! It's the process of time that I think might be the hardest--especially for perfectionists :)