Saturday, January 22, 2011

Out of Control Chloe


She doesn't want to do anything. She hates being around people because they are always wanting things from her, or judging her. She doesn't want to talk on the phone. Too many email messages or text messages from people annoy her. Why won't they just leave her alone? She doesn't need them. She doesn't want them. She knows what works and they are not part of her day to day plan. She hates going out and eating in front of people. People at restaurants judge her. They wonder why she's even eating at all. She doesn't deserve to eat. Look at her. Fat, ugly, never good enough. Can't she see what she looks like? Why doesn't her lazy ass do something about all that. She's just so damn useless. No one will ever truly want to want to marry her or have lots of sex with her or raise a baby with her or be with her forever.

Her one constant and joy is food. It's all she feels she has. She likes it. She loves eating. She loves it so much she just shoves things in her mouth faster than she can chew. She looks forward to eating every day. She hates when Penelope tries to starve her. What a bitch. She always makes these plans, but I am stronger than Penelope. I have more addictions. I have less worry. I don't really care if Penelope ever gets thin like she wants. She's so whiny. She's such a pleaser. She does everything for everyone else. Not me. I do it just for me. I just want me and food. Sounds lonely, and it is, but when you eat that much, you don't think of anything else but your full stomach, because it hurts, it's uncomfortable , it's more painful and uncomfortable than all the loneliness. I shove so much in. And then I don't move. I just sit. I sit and feel my muscles cry out for movement, and I don't fucking care. I don't want to move. I don't want to participate. Sometimes I get so nagged by Penelope's whiny, falsetto voice that I give in and let Penelope puke it all out. Then she gets so worried about the mess she's made and has so much shame and embarrassment about it. Whatever. As soon as Penelope has emptied her stomach, I'm immediately on the hunt to fill it again. Chloe doesn't like her stomach empty. She fights Penelope on this a lot. Penelope congratulates herself on feelings of emptiness and a body that feels ready to exercise. Chloe wants a full, lazy body because then she doesn't have to do the millions of things that Penelope has scheduled for them. Chloe is lazy, let's face it. She sits around and watches movies even though Penelope yells at her to at least read a book or something useful.

Chloe is a hunter for food. Like an ancient cave man...that's how intense it feels. She plots and plans. She gets bitchy to anyone who tries to stop her, who interrupts her, or who tells her to change by doing things that seem so simple. Like don't eat. Just don't eat. That's like telling Chloe not to breathe. She's terribly agoraphobic and a loner. Don't bother her. Leave her the fuck alone. She can't do it all and doesn't want to. She wants to sit around and eat ice cream, chocolate, and Mexican food. She wants to escape from everything. Stella usually tries to appease both of us, Chloe and Penelope. She tells us that we will all three do better tomorrow. But we won't. I know it and deep down Stella knows it too. I'm certainly not going to change. I like being fat, lazy, and tuned out. Poor Stella is so tired of me, but she has no fucking idea how to get rid of me, and god, has she tried.

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