Perfect Penelope

One of the voices in my head.

PERFECT PENELOPE:

She really likes things clean. She finds joy in having everything in its place. Her hair is perfect, she looks like she stepped out of Vogue. Her fashion and sense of style are flawless. People "ooh" and "aw" over outfit choices, decorations, parties, and her many accomplishments. Her beauty appears effortless, even though she has worked longer and harder on it than most. But that has to be kept secret. Any work she does should be cast off, shrugged off, ignored or rejected by herself--though she feels horrible inside if no one acknowledges all the work she has actually done. When the praise does come, she handles it demurely, making light of herself as if she accomplished it all, and it was nothing. Just a wave of the hand. Simple. But. Perfect. In fact, that's the world she likes to create. Things should just magically appear. Laundry should come out folded in neat piles, pillowcases perfectly pressed, dishes always washed and stacked in neat lines, jokes told in perfect timing, everyone's comfort in front of her own. When all these things are done each and every day--well, then, people LOVE Penelope. They depend on her. They give her more and more to do because she always does it without complaint and she's always successful at all she does. Failure is not in her vocabulary. People depend on her consistency, her cookies are always moist, her house is always like out of a magazine, her manners are always impeccable (so is her spelling). People hold Penelope on a pedestal of perfection and grace. Perhaps Penelope believes she won't be loved and accepted by all these people if she doesn't meet their expectations. Where did she ever get such a silly idea from? And yet, why does this silly idea tend to gain such validation at work and in school where her accomplishments DID merit love and notice from those around her? If not love, at least admiration.

Penelope wants to eat two perfectly small means a day. She wants to weigh 130 pounds at 6 foot. She never wants to crave sweets, carbs, meat, or eat ANYTHING that would cause her ill health, fatigue, addictions, or pleasure. She has a lot of guilt about not doing these things perfectly. She has so much guilt around food, it's her main problem she can't control. Somehow she's gained a level of control in all other aspects of her life except for her body and her food. This, eternally, baffles Penelope. She blames Chloe. Chloe is fat, ugly, and she is keeping all three of us from reaching any level of potential success.