Matrix Energetics

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us."
~Albert Schweitzer

The past two weeks have found me in a really dark depression. I'm not used to this. It hasn't happened in two years. Once it starts, I don't get out of it very easily. I worry it will drag on for months because I don't see anyway that it could ever get better.

I stay in bed. I eat bad foods. I watch tv all of the time. Even if my body cries out for exercise and my muscles sob from atrophy, I just lay still. I just zone out. I just try to forget I am who I am. It's weird. I don't like it.

I have been in that place for two weeks and I wasn't sure how to get out of it.

I have been part of an energy group for over a year now. We meet every Wednesday night and do healing work on each other. I haven't been for three weeks because I just wasn't feeling very into it. I went on Wednesday. A new woman worked on me. As soon as she touched me and sent me her energy--my entire bodily vibrations changed. I've had low vibrational energy the past two weeks. It's true. I felt all of it shift and leave. It was gone. I felt better. I felt lighter. I felt happy. I felt. I felt. I wasn't a zombie version of myself.

It was SO incredible that I couldn't believe it. It probably sounds weird. But there is something to the energy that we each give off. She was giving me lots of love and peace.

I went over last night, no group, just my friend. I had her work on me too. It sealed the deal.

Depression over.


I know it's not that easy for many people who stuggle with depression. But the thing I was thinking of was the fact that I just sort of accepted my depression, let myself feel it for awhile, and then I got out of it....in a way I hadn't even thought--which is sad, really, since I've been learning more and more the power of energy work.

So, if you're low--maybe get someone to do some energy work on you. I'd be happy to if you live in SLC or around there. And if you're interested, you could research Matrix Energetics. It's a bit crazy sounding, but I love it.


I'm sending you love and light!

Simply Raw

I have been thinking more and more that I simply need to do this. Now. Stop waiting. Just do it. Go raw. As soon as I get my own home and have a kitchen and am able to prepare food again. I'm going to do it. I'd love to have a small community of people who wanted to try it with me!

May I Be Frank?

May I Be Frank documents the transformation of Frank Ferrante’s life. Frank
is 54 years old, obese, depressed and addicted. He stumbles into a local
raw, organic and vegan restaurant in San Francisco, Café Gratitude.  When
Ryland, a server at Café Gratitude asks Frank “What is one thing you want to
do before you die?” Frank replies, “I want to fall in love one more time,
but no one will love me looking the way I do”.

Ryland, his brother Cary, and Conor, his best friend, are inspired by the
possibility of helping Frank.  For the next 42 days, Frank will eat only raw
food, practice gratitude, visit local holistic practitioners, and get a
weekly colonic.  Ryland, Conor, and Cary get to support Frank’s miraculous
transformation.  Frank gets a new body, a clearer mind, and most
importantly, a soaring spirit.  May I Be Frank documents the essence of the
human condition and what it truly means to fall in love again.

Stellar Lunch!

Yum! Today I had the most satisfying and delicious lunch. I created it with some of the things in my refrigerator and it was so darn delicious that I think I'll be eating often!

Chop up cilantro, tomato, avocado in a bowl. Squeeze the juice of one fresh lime over it and mix it up. Add in dashes of sea salt, garlic powder, and onion powder.

Grill a veggie burger.

Take the grilled burger, put 1/2 tsp of plain Greek yogurt on it, then add the salad mixture on top! Eat one or two and pair it with a salad! Delicious!

The Big Event

One week ago my little sister got married. It was a wedding that was beautiful beyond belief. Everything turned out perfectly. We had the perfect venue, food, lights, flowers, happiness...everything. The one hard thing that was difficult for me was the fact that I had not lost the weight I anticipated that I would lose.

When she was engaged last December, I did a mental calculation of the amount of weight I could healthily lose and the awesome dress I could potentially fit into. I bought the dress, made some goals, and was on my way. I have, as many of you perhaps, done this a lot! I plan my life according to how much weight I could lose, if I would really stick to it, by a certain event--that event could be a wedding, summer time, the new school year, Christmas, a party, and on and on.

It was hard for me to realize that I only accomplished a small fraction of what I set out to do. And, yet, it left me deflated that, yet again, I wasn't where I wanted to be. Two weeks before the wedding I started to just not eat so I could lose weight, but then I would be emotionally drained and I would go to bingeing. It was a bad cycle that I got pulled into and wasn't sure how to pull myself out of. I logically know that this is not productive, but sometimes--where food is concerned--the logical brain loses to the emotional brain.

On top of that, it was hard to have to try and find a dress, four days before the wedding, that would actually fit me because the one I bought would not. It was hard, as the Maid of Honor, to have everyone take so many photos of the two of us and to realize that I didn't want to see or own any of those photos because of how I looked. I felt pretty ugly and bad most of the day (partly because I got these horrific bangs cut, too, that just didn't look so great--but that's another story). I felt like a bad version of myself on a day that should be pretty darn important.

That was a big event and I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a certain way.

It was nice, today, to have the realization that I have no major event coming up, nothing to try and starve myself for, nothing to rush or stress about. I have each day to get up and try and do my best. Each day to take one day at a time and see those days add up eventually. I have time. I can be gentle and patient with myself and that's exactly what each of us needs to be, isn't it?

How are you gentle and patient with yourself when you wish you were accomplishing things faster than you are?

One Calorie at a Time

I don't know about you--but I'm a huge fan of this reality TV show. The only thing I feel bad about is sitting down to watch it when they are all sweating up a storm. I try and do squats, push-ups, and sit ups during the commercial breaks :)

Bring. It. On.

Chocolate Craving

One of my biggest go-to trigger foods is CHOCOLATE. Brownies, cupcakes, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, French truffles, and so much more. I seriously have a piece of chocolate almost every single day. With the realization that I haven't had any energy lately, that I've been sluggish and tired, that I have been overwhelmed and drained, it seems really hard to give up chocolate--but it also seems time to give up the way I eat it. I'm so freaking tired of being so freaking tired!

Luckily for me I have a new and awesome roommate for the month of October. Before I move into my new house in November, I have been blessed to live with my sweet Raw Food friend. Yesterday, I explained a bit of my chocolate drama and how I'm freaking out at the thought of not eating it in the forms that I always have. She told me that she was going to make me some Raw Brownies. I'm going to be honest--it did NOT sound good.

I stood in the kitchen and watched her make the dense part out of walnuts, dates, and raw cacao powder. That. Was. It. She made a mousse out of coconut oil, raw honey, cacao powder, and 1/2 an avocado.

I have to tell you--they were AMAZING! They were delicious! And they hit the spot! I am so lucky to be learning these things from her!

She just bought some sundried tomatoes and basil to make a pesto--I think I'm going to have to go look into how to make that one too!

Acupuncture--for the first time!

I decided to try acupuncture last week. A friend of mine goes often and says that it has changed her life.

I wasn't sure what to expect or what to look for. I went and the doctor started by taking my pulse--from that he knew I hadn't been sleeping enough (though the bags under my eyes, I think, could have told him that). He then looked at my tongue and said, "You're allergic to wheat, dairy, and sugar."

I had mixed reactions to that.

Reaction #1: Yep, I figured, all these years of achy joints, runny nose, clogged ears, and no energy--it makes sense.

Reaction #2: Holy shit--that means no more pizza, ice cream, or chocolate. What am I going to do! Ah! I have big emotional connections to those foods and they are just plain good! I'll never be satisfied again!

Reaction #3: Is this what I need to finally get healthy? This is a long journey...how can I follow through with all of this? Do I have the emotional energy to do all this stuff?

Then he put me on a table, stuck a bunch of needles in me, and I laid there for twenty minutes trying to figure out how to really change my life---realizing that, for the most part, I feel like I'm at the very, very, very beginning once again!

So--gluten free, dairy free, and sugar free.

I seriously don't know how to eat that way, but I'm going to start learning.

Coconut Oil Shine!

My hair has been pretty lack-luster lately. I don't know if it is because I get it highlighted too often, or because I have naturally coarse hair, or what--but my hair has been tangled, dry, brittle, and just blah. I went and got about four inches of the damage cut off, hoping that would help...and it didn't it. The dryness just crept up.

So last night I showered and then covered my wet hair in coconut oil. In the book, The Coconut Oil Miracle, it says that it is a natural conditioner. I woke up this morning and washed it out and my hair feels a lot better. I figure a few weeks of this treatment and I'll be able to audition for an ABBA music video remake! Huzzah!!

Emotions, Foods, Addictions, and Trying again

I'm back to blogging, and I'm getting back to taking care of myself. The last several months have been hard for me. I've been homeless for a large part of the time--staying on my sister's couch, a friends spare bed, and living out of a suitcase and my car. My life, which seemed so glamorous to many, quickly became one that no one would envy.

I haven't blogged on here, for a large part, because I'm embarrassed that I started eating fast food again, that I haven't really made time to exercise, that I have been overeating again, that I've been a bit of an emotional mess. To admit how hard it has been for me to eat healthy is hard for me, but then I realized that this blog is about being real. Very real.

The emotional trauma of my past job has made me seek out the place where I always just feel good--eating. Trying to find a replacement has been hard. Trying to keep changing those thoughts, has been hard. And when you entertain the thoughts you've always entertained, then you slip into all the old habits you've tried to change.

So, here's to starting again. Starting fresh. Being optimistic. Keeping hope alive. And not giving up.

Here we go again!

ReVamping

Over the last two months I have reassessed and revamped my life. Don't give up on this blog just yet. As soon as I get internet hooked up in my house I'll be posting weekly! I have MISSED you all!

Barefoot

I've been doing all my walking lately on the beach--barefoot. I recently read a lot about the benefits of this:

New York Magazine online suggests that despite your innate ability to walk, years of walking in shoes has got you doing it all wrong. The result: more aches and pains in your body than you should naturally encounter. The article as a whole is a compelling read, making the case that despite the great lengths shoe manufacturers have taken to bring comfort to your step, most shoes are doing more harm than good. The author also highlights a shoe style called Vivo Barefoot made specifically to mimic the barefoot walking experience while providing some of the modern necessities of shoes (like, um, protecting you from broken glass). The article is persuasive—enough at least to pique my interest in some barefoot shoes.

NAKED

Today I went swimming in my pool. I made fresh juice of spinach, apple, and ginger. Then, I lay on my deck chair naked in the sun for almost forty minutes. I got a sunburn in places that have NEVER, NEVER seen the sun.

I heard once from a very healthy raw-foodist acquaintance of mine that you should try to lay naked in the sun for about twenty minutes a day for optimum health. I shook my head at that. I couldn’t believe that I would EVER have the courage to do that. I have a hard enough time being in a bathing suit in front of even myself--let alone trying to find a place where I can lay in the sun completely NAKED!

Yet, now, I have such a place. I have a private villa with a large balcony where not a soul in the world could see me if I sunbathed completely in the buff. So, for the first time in my life today—I did it—and it felt simply marvelous! My skin felt alive, the sun warmed me, and honestly, it was a utterly sensual and sexy. I felt happy and free in ways that I haven’t let myself feel happy and free.

I had some Finnish friends stay with me this past weekend and in Finland every one owns saunas. Families and friends become very accustomed to seeing each other naked in the saunas. It’s very traditional. You just know what everyone looks like naked in your family. I liked this idea. I like the idea of being more open and free with our bodies. I like the idea of being able to feel comfortable without the salaciousness of feeling “slutty” that tends to be the aim for those who do not wear many clothes. But, in the proper place and time, I thought, for the first time in my life, that I might actually want to go to a nude beach and see what the vibe is all about.

What about you? When was the last time you let the sun kiss every part of you? I highly recommend it. I’ll be doing it again tomorrow.

Be Inspired

I seriously LOVE people. I LOVE life. I LOVE our journeys. This life is something

that has changed in appearance a lot for me over the past five years--but there is

one thing that remains the same--if we can love, applaud, accept, encourage,

each person we meet. If we can stop judging on appearances. If we can stop judging--period.

If we could smile at everyone. If we could intuitively see that each of us are simply doing the best

that we can--then--yeah, I'd say--that's inspiring.

It's Time To Act

I watched this documentary last night.

It was phenomenal.

It made the problem larger than simply my world.

It made me want to act in ways I've never before imagined.

It made me want to be a voice--to be a solution.

It made me want to help.

It made me want to pay attention.

It made me realize that we need more than just a few voices about what is happening in America.

What is happening in America with food is not happening in other countries--because it has

not been allowed to happen. Norway won't even allow M&Ms to be sold in their country because

of the colored dye used for the candy.

And yet, somehow, somehow, America has become THE Fast Food Nation.

What can we do? What should we do?

Keep Coming

"Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again , come , come." ~Rumi

When I find myself in states of illumination--no matter how seldom or often they come--I reach a level of calmness that doesn't accompany me in times when stress, anxiety, worry, sickness, imbalance tend to rule my life.

I'm coming to find--on this journey to awareness and complete health--that just because I have been aware and perfect one day, does not automatically mean that I will have the same experience tomorrow. It just doesn't. I thought it might...and maybe it will. Maybe I need more practice. Maybe I'll have to work at it every day. I don't know.

Something I am finding completely endearing about the human being, is the ability to hope, try, try, try, and hope some more. When you never give up, you never give up. And there is something truly beautiful in that....even if I'd rather be at a place of not having to keep dealing with the same.

Green Smoothie Recipe!

four tomoatoes
4 garlic cloves
one inch of lemon grass
one vegetable boullion cube
2 tablespoons nama shoyu
1 avocado
1/2 cucumber
4 tablespoons prepared irish moss
1 cup coconut milk powder
1 tsp curry powder
1-2 cup of greens like kale or spinach or romaine. You can even do soaked seaweed like dulse or sea grass
sea salt and cayyenne to taste
1 tablespoon of miso paste
1-2 cups water

Blend and enjoy. You can use warm water-- as it is more soup like.

So--I got the above recipe from a RawFood group I belong to. Things like this seem overwhelming to me because:

1. I do NOT know what "nama shoyu" is!

2. I have NO idea how to prepare irish moss and what it actually is!

3. I have NO idea where you buy lemon grass!

4. I do NOT know where to get coconut milk powder (though it SOUNDS delicious)

I am on a mission to discover the answers to these questions so that raw living can start becoming more natural and easy. If you know the answers, please feel free to comment!

Alternative Sweeteners

Lo Han Guo: A non-glycemic sweetener from Chinese medicinal tradition made from a type of wild cucumber.

Stevia: I recommend dried powdered leaves over extracts. This is a wonderful and easy plant to grow. It contains no real sugar, so therefore it does not feed candida or cancer. Look for organic stevia products.

Xylitol: This could be the sweetener of the future if it could be obtained with certified organic quality. Xylitol does not feed candida or cancer, but tastes normally sweet. Originally isolated from birch syrup; it is now available as a white powder.

Yacon: An extraordinarily easy to obtain and abundant subtropical to tropical tuber, relative to the Jerusalem artichoke. Yacon is commonly available as dehydrated chips and as a syrup. Look for organic products. Yacon syrup is rich in iron and only mildly glycemic. It is not raw.

Sweeteners to Avoid:

Refined white and brown sugars made from beet, sorghum, or sugarcane of all sorts, primarily due to genetically modified crop contamination, including:

Evaporated Cane Juice: Rapadura is one of the many names of this highly processed and highly heated product. This is almost pure sucrose, like maple, but lacks in minerals. Evaporated cane juice is known to aggravate all sugar-sensitive conditions from diabetes to candida to cancer. Evaporated cane juice can be certified organic. This product often sneaks into chocolate products, pre-made smoothies, and lots of vegan treats (because it is not processed with bone char).

Sorbitol: This sweetener is typically made from genetically modified corn starch. It was originally isolated from stone fruits of the genus Sorbus.

Other Considerations

The market is flooded with companies and products using all different kinds of sweeteners. Always select products containing certified organic sweeteners due to potential contamination from genetically modified corn and other crops that may contain glufosinate herbicides that damage your friendly healthy bacteria. Remember that certified organic sweeteners cannot be genetically modified (GMO).

This post was cut from an article recently shared by David Wolfe. Its entire content can be found at Sacred Chocolates website.

Pretty Fantastic!

Becoming more aware is a path that you have to choose consciously. I think, at least for me, there are issues I have had my ENTIRE life--a negative tape player in my mind--that I never really thought I would ever get rid of. Much of it centered around food addictions/ purging/starving and all manner of eating disorders that I have had. After a lot of thinking, I can pretty much tell where most of it came from. While I blame no one, I see that certain things in my life triggered my brain to form in certain ways to protect itself.

I think we have all done that in some way or other. These protective measures are things that we might not even be aware of. Lately, however, with certain patients in my job, I have seen them manifest in ways that I have used myself and ways that I have not. Bingeing, purging, starving, stuffing, cutting, extreme exercise, compulsive behavior, OCD, money issues, fear, panic, anxiety and an array of other self-destructive hurt.

These measures seem far from protective when you think logically about them--but that is what I have always known--the stream of thoughts in my mind were NOT logical and that is why I always felt so strongly that no one would really understand this voice in my head--and the only tool I had to battle it was the other voice that WAS logical. I could only get rid of it with MY logic. And, that just didn't work. My journey has been one of two minds. I have had a positive voice and a negative, illogical voice--both trying to be the winner.

I'm a smart girl. Things in my life have worked well for the most part. I have a stellar education, perfect grades, and excelled at all I tried--photography, writing, painting, directing, singing, acting, traveling, adventure, helping, teaching, public speaking, debate and the like. I say this with no ego present. I say it standing outside of myself and looking back at my life and realizing that I was LOGICALLY trying to prove my worth and importance to a world that I felt did not see me as worthy or important. In the end, the approval I received for my successes never felt enough because I did not feel enough. I felt plagued with negativity. I felt constantly abused by the illogical thoughts I let circulate again and again in my head.

I am healing. I am learning to change these thoughts--you've seen the slow progress I've been trying to make that last few months.

Again, I understand that what I am saying does not make sense, but it is the truth behind my sensitivity. Many people lead lives like this. Lives that appear normal, happy, full, and wonderful. Mine has been on MANY, MANY, MANY levels. I have fought that negative voice and won most of the time--but I never imagined what a life WITHOUT the negative voice would be like. I really didn't know. I have gone back and forth between convincing myself that all people struggled with that negative voice in their head--and the opposite, that no one did.

Now I know that I can be without it. I'm not completely without it yet, but I am getting there. The level of freedom my mind has experienced the past month without the constant food obsessions flashing red across my brain have given me a level of hope for normalcy that I never dared dream.

It's pretty fantastic.

Emotional Genetics

I have recently heard a string of conversations, all on similar topics, that have made me ponder something that I haven't really ever thought of before--that of emotional genetics.

What is Emotional Genetics?

We all know that we inherit our physical characteristics, but what is less known is that we also inherit our emotional patterns. Traumatic events such as suicide, early death of a parent or sibling, financial ruin, abortions or miscarriages can impact the family system for generations. What is not addressed may surface in the lives of those who come later.

Not all psychological problems can be resolved with talk therapy. Sometimes we are deeply entangled in the family system and it shows up as limiting patterns. When we inherit what is in the family nervous system we may repeat the family fate. Self-sabotage, self-injury, chronic illness, depression, fear, anger, obesity, addictions and failure in relationships can all be forms of unconscious loyalties.

Emotional Genetics exposes the hidden patterns that keep us stuck and explores the effect of these unconscious loyalties on the current generation. Once we understand these bonds, we are able to free the current and successive generations from their influences, creating stronger, happier pathways for ourselves and our children...and theirs.

Lately I have had quiet time to ponder some things. Some of the things I have been pondering relate to a life time of relationships that never quite went where I anticipated that they would go. Thoughts about children I want to have, husband, family, support system, and the kind of person I envision myself being to take part in all of these things. I feel, every day, that I am getting closer to being the person I want to be--a person who is healthy emotionally and physically. These are vital to me before I undertake marriage OR motherhood. I don't want to pass on the things that my parents passed on to me.

I've been feeling a pull in thinking about some female ancestors of mine. Recently, over the last two years, I finally learned the truth about my paternal great grandmother. No one would ever tell me the story when I asked of her. They just shrugged. I always knew she had a hard life--but what I didn't know is that she married a scoundrel, whose name I still carry, who left her on and off to search the world for wine, women, and literally, song, (he was a part-time musician). Intermittently, he would come home and impregnate her, only to leave again before the baby was born, or shortly thereafter. My great grandmother, Anna, had three sons, was forced to take in laundry, live off the charity of her brother, and died in her early forties from an STD that she contracted from my great grandfather.

Damn.

My maternal great grandmother, from old Mormon roots, did not fair much better as only ONE of many wives of a polygamist farmer.

Yikes.

Looking at the history of the Super Nova women, is it no wonder I have not had a relationship last longer than a few months? And while my most recent break-up was not what I wanted--in all the other scenarios-- I was the one who ended the relationship. I've been trying to think a lot as to why. I find myself at a loss.

Do any of you have ideas or insights into emotional genetics and its validity?

Foxy

Yesterday on my hike I saw something rare and beautiful...a sweet little silver fox walked along my path with me for a bit. She was silky and smooth and beautiful. And she looked right at me. She stopped. I stopped. Our eyes met. I was alone in the woods, like usual. I was red-faced and a little out of breath, like usual. And there she was, smiling a foxy smile at me. It made me happy.

As I pressed on I realized that my time in the Alps, these four months, end in only three weeks. In three weeks it is on to a much more pressing schedule. I'll have more to do, less free time, and I will feel the effects of what "real" life does to me.

I feel a bit of fear in it. Can I still make time for myself? Can I continue on this path that I have started? My thoughts need rewiring still. I'm getting stronger, but I still have a long ways to go yet. The time for testing is coming near. The time to see if I can carry the new me into my new life.

Completely Amazed

(Totally random photo that came up when I searched for an image with "thought clouds above head"--sometimes I think this is what some of my thoughts look like.)

It's been awhile since I've REALLY written what is going on. It's still a battle. Some days are easier, and some days, like today, are a lot harder.

Do you know what is funny? I feel like I have so many different forms of advice that I have heard over the years, and I find myself still trying to incorporate all of them in various ways.

Think positively!

Think thin thoughts!

Will power!

Just don't eat that chocolate!

Be strong!

Why, oh why do you actually WANT a second helping of food when you know that it is not good for you?

Get a hobby!

Take a walk every time you want to overeat!

Comfort yourself in other ways!

Get up early and have a good start to your day!

Eat a healthy breakfast.

Carbs are bad!!!!

Carbs are good!

Certain carbs are bad and certain carbs are good!!!!!!

Is this a good carb?

I don't really like meat.

Meat is a healthy protein.

Pork causes parasites!

Eat every two hours!

Only eat three meals a day!

Eat grains in the morning!

Only eat protein in the morning!

Don't drink with your meals!

You should exercise longer!!

You should be gentle with yourself.

Be harder on yourself and get more done!

And on, and on, and on.

Is anyone else like this? I have found, this week, that I haven't made big changes to anything. I am eating relatively healthy. Yesterday, Easter, I was a little homesick and probably ate more food and chocolate than my body really needed--but mostly, I've been going about like normal and just being in a STATE of COMPLETE amazement at just how many, how often, and how annoying all these thoughts are. How did they get in my head? Is it because I have read too many health magazines, blogs, books, and listened to too many tv shows, gurus, and the like?

I keep feeling, somehow, deep inside, that I instinctively know what is right for me--and I'm still chopping away at all the other things I've allowed to take up space in my thoughts. I am, I think, on a journey to find that inner voice and learn how to listen to it.

What about you?

Upping My Game

After a month of enjoyable walks that were pretty flat--I've decided to up the game. I climbed a mountain today. It was really tall. It was hard. I got all red-faced and out of breath. I decided to climb this mountain four times a week until it gets easy. Hold me to it. Ok.

Ayurveda

Today I spent three hours researching the ancient studies of Ayurveda--all thanks to my sweet friend Melissa who mentioned it on the blog awhile ago. I am pretty sure I have a kapha dosha--lucky me--the kapha dosha is encouraged to stay away from all wheat, dairy, tomatoes, avocados and bananas. Anyone who knows me knows that I basically could LIVE off the aboved mentioned foods. Sigh. But, I think I'm going to try eating the recommended foods and see how it goes. It's pretty simple. I should have more apples and pears than oranges. I should eat barley and quinoa instead of wheat. I should not eat dairy. I should exercise daily (apparently the Vata doshas don't have to do that...sigh again). I should avoid sweets as I tend to over do it. I am just so curious about these ancient methods of taking care of our bodies and understanding them.

All the reasons they gave as to why I should avoid certain foods made a lot of sense. I have alway instinctively known that I shouldn't eat a lot of dairy and red meat--that is just makes me very sluggish. I've know that wheat tends to be a trigger for bad things in me. So, as I read through the dosha descriptions, it all made a lot of sense.

Have any of you had experiences with doshas?

So, what is Ayurveda?

Ayurveda is grounded in a metaphysics of the 'five great Elements: earth, water, fire, air an ether)—all of which compose the Universe, including the human body. Ayurveda deals elaborately with measures of healthful living during the entire span of life and its various phases. Ayurveda stresses a balance of three Humors or Energies: vata (air in space - wind), pitta (fire in water -bile) and kapha (water in earth -phlegm). According to Ayurveda, these three regulatory principles— Doshas (literally that which deteriorates)—are important for health, because when they are in balanced state, the body is healthy, and when imbalanced, the body has diseases. Ayurveda hold that each human possesses a unique combination ofDoshas. Ayurveda focuses on exercise, yoga, meditation, and massage. Thus, body, mind, and spirit/consciousness need to be addressed both individually and in unison for health to ensue.

Slow Going..but Going Just the Same

Lest you doubt, I've been true to my training for my 1/2 marathon that I will run at some point this year. I have to check out the race offerings in my new home town.

I've been clocking in the miles. I've been walking/jogging on the slow, pitiful looking side. Trust me, it's not pretty, but it IS happening. Today, well, today I felt a little better. I was jogging one way and for the first time I saw someone jogging as slowly as I was--coming towards me. He was slow, he was a bit heavy, and he was full of determination. The smiles we exchanged and the hellos we said were a bit more poetic than the other "Bonjours" I said today. We both just got each other and I felt, silly as it sounds, that we kind of virtually gave each other a big high five. It made me smile and made me hang in there with more spunk than I anticipated. Sometimes, by mile four, you need a little pick me up.

Sigh. I wish I had a workout buddy. They are nice. They can be inspirational. The man I saw today inspired me, though I am sure he wouldn't ever have thought so.

My Breakfast is RAW!

Yum. I've been trying to delight, savor, and enjoy the times I am eating my food. I try to stay present in each meal. I try NOT to think or obsess about what I will eat and when I will eat it. I have a tendency, with so much of my time in life, to have a constant worry about when to eat, what to eat, will I over eat, will I under eat, why am I eating...and on and on and on.

I'm trying to get those thoughts out of my head. I'm trying, hard, to just eat simple meals that don't trigger anything in me (over eating) and that taste divine.

Breakfast this morning--freshly sliced mango with a sweet, fresh lime squeezed over it--all designed on a beautiful white plate.

Eating is Fun.

Tomatoes provided by Spain

Mozzarella provided by Italy

Basil provided by France

All eaten for lunch two days in a row--in Switzerland.

Yum. Eating is fun.

Reminders

Yesterday a funny thing popped up on my email inbox. It was a reminder that I was going to run a half-marathon on April 15th (yeah, with my sister--remember that, Sis?) I decided to do this sometime last fall, but I think with my move, with my job change, with my broken heart, with so many things--I guess I just pushed it aside.

So yesterday it sat teasingly looking at me. It raised its eyebrows at me, I raised mine back. It shrugged is shoulders at me, I shrugged mine back. It said, "How about it kid?" and I said, "Why not?"

Simple.

So, the thing that I have NEVER wanted to make public (because somehow you just have to stick with it when it goes public) is that I am going to start training for a half-marathon. To me that seems like a pretty big damn deal. Since I work ten to twelve hour days, it means I'm going to have to wake up pretty early to start clocking the miles. It means that I don't really know what I'm doing. It means I'm going to have to do some of the pathetic walk/jog/walk/jog that people who can't jog for very long at a time have to do. It means I could fail. It means I could succeed. It means I could fall. It means I could fly. It means that Swiss men will probably WALK past my slow gait, but it also means that I might just get these legs ready for swimwear season in Portugal.

It means....wow.

It means...hmmm.

It means...let's do this thing!

Advice? Goals I should set? Songs to add to my iPod?

Inspiration

A man--handsome, strong, fit, determined--rides his bike past me each day. The first time I saw him, I did a double take...something didn't seem right. I wasn't sure if I had seen him correctly. This man has one arm. He rides faster than many of the bikers on the trail. He works hard. His balance looks more graceful than you can imagine--his bike sways farther to the left and right than if he had both arms to balance him out. He rides past me and I watch him for a minute or two before he is out of sight. He helps me put things into perspective. He creates motivation and inspiration in my life--those things, being motivated and inspired, are higher energy feelings. They make all of our atoms and cells ring at a higher frequency. They, in fact, create strength within us. I thank him for his grace and dedication.

I heard a story the other day about an event that took place at the Special Olympics. Nine children, many with Down's Syndrome, were starting off on a race around the track. The gun went off and the kids began running. One young boy tripped and fell. He didn't get up. A small girl, running her race, realized that the boy was not running. She stopped and went back to him. Soon, all the runners had seen what she saw. They stopped and returned to him as well. Then, the small girl helped up the fallen boy and linked arms with him. The rest of the kids linked arms too, until all nine of the runners had linked arms and ran across the finish line together.

No ego. No first place. No winners. No losers.

I think about this story because, more often than not, this world values ego. We place value on the thinnest model, the richest banker, the highest paid actor. Why? When we just let go, when we get quiet, when we look inside ourselves--I think we gain a level of awareness that helps us not only know how to care for ourselves, but also, instinctively, how to motivate and inspire others right along with us, so we all cross the finish line together.

Thank you all for the inspiration and love I feel from each of you. You have been supporting me during my ups and downs and I am incredibly grateful for it. Today was a day of perfect eating, perfect exercising, perfect work, and no battles in my head. It was nice to have a down day.

Grocery Shopping

Today I walked my regular four + miles and it felt good. It felt familiar. As I was walking, there were several joggers passing me by. I admired the way they ran, the way their bodies moved in sync with their heart beats. I use to run. I loved it. I loved the feeling when I was done. I loved the way my body felt. I loved the happiness it brought me. It's been a long time since I have run. It's been 15 years.

I decided that it would be pretty incredible if I could run 6-8 miles a day as a part of my daily life. What if I could do that in about an hour time period, and what if I could be in a beautiful place when I did it? I really wanted this to become my reality. I realized, with a sigh, how far away that goal seems for me...but I wanted to bring it closer. So, to bring it closer, I decided to walk for 7 miles instead of 4. And I did. And it took a long time, because I can't speed walk for 7 miles...I just walk walk. The whole time I walked, I imagined the time when I would run the same distance.

Then I went to the grocery store. I don't know if it's habit. I don't know if it was cravings. I sometimes get in this stubborn state where I feel like I should be able to eat whatever I want and not feel bad about it. I took a shopping cart and I went around the store. I put in that frozen pizza that I wanted yesterday, I put in creme brulee, I put in some crackers (that I promised myself I wouldn't eat anymore), I put in some pudding. I put healthy things in too. But when I looked at my basket, I knew it was full of trigger foods and possible bingeing items.

I went to the check out line. I stood there. I fought the same battle I fought yesterday. Somehow I thought that fighting it yesterday would mean that I wouldn't have to fight it today. But, I had to fight it and fight it harder because this time I had the food right in my hand.

I got out of the line. I walked back through the grocery store and put everything back. EVERYTHING. And then I got out of there. I was NOT in the right frame of mind to grocery shop. So I left until I was. After the drive up the mountain, I felt better. I went into another grocery store and bought the things that I knew I REALLY wanted and that were good for me.

Update

The pants I am wearing now are simply too big. They are falling off. It's time to downsize. I knew this would happen, but I kind of forgot that was the goal too. Sounds weird, I know. I've been trying to just be the best I can each day--that, well, I sort of forgot all that effort would add up to weeks and results.

I'm not sure how much I weigh or how much I've lost. I don't really feel that different and it's been slow going. But the reality is that the pants that I couldn't quite get done up last month, the pants that are a size smaller than I've been wearing for the past two years, well, these are the pants that now fit.

The others--I'm giving away.

High Energy People

"SURROUND YOURSELF WITH HIGH-ENERGY PEOPLE! Choose to be in close proximity to people who are empowering, who appeal to your sense of connection to intention, who see the greatness in you, who feel connected to God, and who live a life that gives evidence that Spirit has found celebration through them." ~ Wayne Dyer

I've been thinking about the people in my life today. I've heard that no one is in your life who isn't supposed to be there. Do you think that is true? Right now--my life-- I spend it with three people only. Just three people. The three people are pretty remarkable people. I love them deeply. In each of their ways, they are adding so much to my life.

But, three people only--that leaves lots of time for me. Lots of time. I live a pretty solitary life right now. I'm more solitary and spend more hours alone in a day than I have ever in my ENTIRE life. And yet, I'm more at peace, more thoughtful, more creative, more more more. I look forward to it and savor it every day because I know it won't last. I rejoice in the time I have to listen to myself and speak to myself and hear myself and really dig deep on issues and set backs and old habits.

I am grateful for this time. It's not going to last much longer. Just four more weeks really. Will that be enough time to center me for the high stress and stamina I'll need at that time? I hope so. I hope I'm solidifying my foundations. I am hoping this quiet time will center and teach me to put myself first (even if it's just for ten minutes in a day) and that from that--all other things fall into place.

Going Naked

Last night I didi some research on my nail polish and decided I needed to remove it and stop ignoring the warnings. It was hard to take it off, my toes are ALWAYS red and cute and make my feet pretty. Plus, I had PAID someone to paint them, so I didn't want to take it off, but I did. Now my feet are very naked. But it's a good naked...a healthy naked.

Regular nail polish has three bad toxins:

Toluene

Toluene is a human reproductive and developmental toxin. It may affect the nervous system with symptoms like tiredness, confusion, weakness, drunken-type actions, and memory loss. It is thought to cause liver damage and skin irritation. In high levels it may affect the kidneys. Toluene has been linked to birth defects.

Formaldehyde

Formaldehyde is a carcinogen and a common indoor air pollutant because its resins are used in many construction materials. Formaldehyde has caused cancer in the nose and throats. Inhaling the fumes can result in watery eyes, headache, burning in the throat, and labored breathing.

Dibutyl Phthalate

Phthalates are used to soften plastic, and are known to affect hormone function. Studies have linked phthalates to early puberty in girls and low sperm counts in men. Environmental groups claim phthalate exposure may contribute to the rising number of uterine problems in women and testicular cancer in men. It could also be one of the contributing factors to a rise in infertility in both sexes. Repeated and heavy exposure to dibutyl phthalate may cause nausea and/or vomiting, tearing of the eyes, dizziness, and headache. Long-term exposures may cause damage to kidneys and the liver. Pregnant women must consider that dibutyl phthalate may harm the developing fetus and the male testes.

I just can't do it anymore because it's pretty. So, in researching I found some new items you might like! Here is a list of the top five Eco-Friendly nail polish brands. My favorite is PRITI, it's made with essential oils!!

It is Safe

I went for another long walk yesterday and had a lot of time to think. Sometimes I try to release thoughts and reach a peaceful zen and other times I like to process through things and come to conclusions that are working for me.

I've realized something this week. Eating is safe. Eating the right amount of food for my body is safe. The word "safe" probably comes to you as being out of place, but I'm using it very intentionally. I never realized how many of my thoughts fight against food at every moment. White bread is bad for me, I shouldn't be eating this chocolate, I probably am going to gain weight from these potatoes and gravy, I can't believe I just put honey in my tea--hello blood sugar increase...maybe I shouldn't eat this fruit, cheese goes right to my thighs....and on and on and on. I have gotten SO used to constantly thinking these thoughts that they were more of a humming in my brain than something I was thinking consciously. Do you have similar thoughts that make you feel bad when you eat something, but you eat it anyway and then feel guilt on top of feeling bad?

I eat many meals with my sweet boss. As as I'm trying to be healthy, my initial route would be to avoid certain foods and stick to strict outlines of what is GOOD for me. I've tried this and failed for YEARS. She says that this just doesn't work. She said to just focus on eating normal amounts of food for now. When we eat together, she explains what's in each dish she makes and then she always says, "It can't hurt you, honey." Sometimes I like to believe that I'm pretty tough, that I have things pretty figured out and that I'm above simple phrases like that actually making a difference in my day. But EVERY time she says it, I believe it and I feel fine eating these foods. I don't feel the guilt and the shame and the fear and all the other things that I believed caused me to hold on to extra weight because I believe that it WOULD bring on extra weight.

I've been an advocate of "thoughts become things" for a long time, I've manifested lots of amazing things in my life--but never with my body or with food. So to start to believe that eating food is a "safe" thing and that it can't "hurt" me is actually pretty revolutionary and I can feel its affects on my body already.

It is safe. It really is.